This part of my story is going to be the hardest for me to write as it is still so recent for me. The feelings and emotions are raw.

In fact, I actually don't want to do it if I'm honest. I'm still a bit ashamed, embarrassed and worried about what people will think.

I'm still unsure as to why I find it so hard to talk about, maybe I'm struggling to accept it as an illness? Perhaps I feel hypocritical dishing out helpful techniques when I'm still actively battling the condition?

Saying that, with the help from Walking With My Bear so far, I've reduced my binging and purging from daily to just an average of twice a week, and I'm getting stronger each week.

Why have I included this chapter if it's hard for me to write?

I'm writing this to hopefully help someone in a similar situation.

Someone on a similar journey, because that's what it is. It's not straight forward, and you mustn't expect permanent changes overnight – expect ups and downs.

Even when you make the smallest of changes, just remind yourself of what you've accomplished by making that change. It might be you have a tiny bit more confidence, a better understanding or another ounce of self-worth. Every bit of strength allows you to continue on your journey.

I'm sharing my story, however difficult, so I too can celebrate my victories, and keep on this path getting healthier and braver. 

Binging and purging. 

Another way for me to numb those pesky feelings and emotions. A release and a way of controlling something in your life.

When you're binging, you can't cry. So why did I want to cry?

Working with Walking With My Bear, I've since unearthed various parts of my life that could have contributed to my eating disorder. My attitude towards food turned into habitual behaviour that I have practised on and off for over 20 years. I suppose binging and purging was my 'safety habit' in the beginning, a way of controlling something when life threw those lovely curveballs.

It was, and still is like a default mechanism—an unhealthy coping strategy of impulsive behaviour.

Hospitalised.

Going back a few years when my eating issues were getting better, my drinking then got worse, and vice versa. I swapped one unhelpful way of numbing my mind to another.

The NHS eating disorder service is reluctant to treat eating and drinking issues together. Even though it is so common for them to come hand in hand (as I've mentioned in Part 3 of my journey).

I got into a very vicious cycle, and the eating disorder team thought I was doing ok with my eating. Still, in reality, I was becoming alcohol dependant, to cope with my mind. I even drank on the ward when I was incarcerated to "cope". 

I was playing my part and eating to get out of the place. That was my mindset, and there wasn't a lot of mental health support; considering I was sectioned in an eating disorder hospital. The staff on the ward were more supportive than the qualified specialists with whom I would see just once a week if I was lucky. 

I went from eating practically nothing to 3 meals a day, 2 snacks and supper. Drinking was how I now coped because I was no longer in control of my food, and the reason I was doing this to myself in the first place wasn't being addressed.

My biggest challenge to date. 

Fast forward a year or so, defying death, making it through detox for alcoholism, finally sober I have another challenge to face. 

Picture me on my discharge date from detox: 

I walk out of there riddled with anxiety, guilt, low self-confidence and no self-worth. I'm inundated with thoughts and feelings that were previously numbed by alcohol, also feeling like I've physically been hit by a bus. Most of these feelings stemmed from knowing my bulimia would creep back in. I knew this because it had already started whilst in detox. 

There was a lot of support and group work in detox regarding addiction, but nothing aimed at my eating issues, at the time. 

Inevitably (for me) the drinking stopped, and binge/purge turned into a daily occurrence. Releasing me from my emotions and a different way of numbing and controlling something, along with diet restrictions. I felt major guilt that I was still too physically unwell to exercise or even move much. I believed at the time as I wasn't very mobile, I didn't deserve to eat.

I now find it useful to see my eating issues as a type of addiction. So, I apply and adapt specific knowledge from my addiction therapy to the eating side of things (this is only a recent breakthrough). 

Hail Walking With My Bear. 

I spent many months working on, and still am, my binge and purge behaviour. It took a while for me to be entirely honest with Jonathan, even though he was always professional, non-judgemental and for me, the guru of mental health issues. 

I was scared and embarrassed. It felt like my safety net was being taken away from me, remember I was also battling alcohol addiction at the same time.

Jonathan and I worked on learning to live with the past. Identifying my addiction as an illness and acknowledging that my "Bear" was misbehaving. 

But why? And how do I get my "Bear" to work with me, to be my friend. 

That's a good question. 

Taming my Bear. 

I had brain frazzle (feel free to use my new phrase), a mist surrounding my mind.

Making my "Bear" behave was about gaining the confidence to push past boundaries and make achieving more desirable than the urge to purge. I slowly started to gain the confidence and ability to believe the reality of it all and what I would gain from not doing it, what was right, wrong and why.

We pin-pointed that the internal and external influences fed (no pun intended) my urges.

There are two helpful strategies that we still work with now:

The Spiders Web is a strategy Walking With My Bear created to identify key elements of an event in a person's life. These individual aspects from your past can influence thoughts, feelings and actions when applied to any other situation in life.

This theory helps to break down the situation and determine what previous events are influencing your current behaviour and choices. 

Where have you used this unhelpful behaviour before to cope? 

Every time you come to a decision; you have a choice. Take time to weigh up your options and "play the full tape" (meaning, if you chose a certain option, what would happen later down the line?).

The Circle Theory.

There is also The Circle theory, which I tend to use more when faced with challenging thoughts or decisions. 

In a circle, write down everything you can control. 

In a bigger circle around the first one, write in it the things you can influence or think you may be able to change. 

On the outside of the circle, write the things you feel you cannot control. Now bring your focus to all 3 sections.

This helps you identify and realise the 3 versions of an outcome or situation. With each point bring The Spiders Web technique into the analysing process (reminder; identify key elements of your past that influence your thoughts, feelings and action). 

In Practice. 

By using The Circle theory and The Spiders Web technique, you'll soon discover whether you can control or influence the challenge you are facing. Or that in fact, there's no point sweating over the things you have no control over.

Applying both techniques in this order provides you with an effective method that breaks down your thought process to:

1. identify the influences that feed your behaviour
2. logically see what you could/can change or influence when fusing the two techniques together.

Resisting Urges. 

Something else which I find helpful to resist urges to binge is that for me, cravings only last 40 minutes. It's fairly easy to distract yourself for 40 minutes. Get out of the house, have a shower or go for a drive. 

You're not avoiding dealing with it. Once the urge has subsided, even a bit, you can use the Spider Web, Circle Theory or even both to find the reason behind the urge to binge once your mind has calmed down.

When I use these techniques, it empowers me to push my boundaries to the next level, i.e. towards altogether stopping or doing a day less.

Just over 2 months ago I was binging and purging every day. 2 months later and I am averaging 5 out of 7 days a week free from binging and purging. I even went 14 days at one point without any binging or purging.

Catching your breath. 

It's like going up the ladder of success. You take 2 steps up and sometimes you have to go down a step just to catch your breath. Each time I progress, my Bear tries to re-adjust me back to my old ways. 

I keep progressing up that ladder due to the process of mindset techniques taught to me by Walking With My Bear.

These allow and empower me to identify key triggers, thoughts and behavioural patterns.

Giving me a newfound confidence that I will be free of my addictions, eating disorder and previously used coping strategies. 

Please feel free to get in touch with Walking With My Bear if you would like some support from me. I would be more than happy to open "Jen's book of wisdom" for you.

Warmest Wishes, until next time.

Jenny x

Over-exercising, when does it become an addiction and where is the balance?

In today's blog, I am going to open up about my exercise addition. How it started. How it impacted my life. And how I overcame it.

After a conversation with Walking With My Bear, I felt it was important to include their definition of it and their words of wisdom, as I'm writing from a personal experience.

"The key to over-exercising issues is to understand why you feel the need and purpose. It is also a perspective of an individual. A person may be deemed as over-exercising by another person whose own perception is at a different level, yet it may also be an appropriate level of exercise. It is always to be viewed individually per person".

Excessive exercise is often linked to Eating Disorders. It's another way to burn calories, lose weight and for me, it provided control, power and I gained a bit of self-respect (although that feeling never lasted long).

My over-exercising turned into an addiction when I'd find time at any cost to do it. Bunking off college/work, exercising in toilets, getting up early or through the night to engage in some physical activity.

For me it was another way to purge, I suppose.

Have you followed my story from the beginning? I give an introduction to my 20 year battle with eating disorders, alcohol misuse and dependency in Jenny's Journey Part 1.

Walking With My Bear made me realise that "Eating Disorders" and "Exercise Addiction" is an escape from mental pain, guilt, or stress, maybe, an underlying problem. I found that with the eating disorder service (after 20 years on and off with different ones), my core/underlying issue was overlooked.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is excellent for giving you the tools to deal with the current moment. It prepares you for events out of your control and the future ahead, but it doesn't fix the underlying cause. The reason you're in this position is still hiding underneath, waiting for when your coping strategies will let you down. 

The NHS approach

The NHS offer 6 sessions of CBT, and then you are discharged. How can leading health professionals believe you're fixed after that! They clearly have never had a mental health problem. I'm not trying to attack the NHS leadership. Still, I passionately feel there is a flaw in their approach to dealing with mental health issues. It's too reactive and superficial at times.

My issues were "patched up" so many times over the years that I believed I was going to have them for the rest of my life.

Is this actually part of me, will I always have them and will I have to manage them throughout my life?

Not according to Walking With My Bear! Addiction of any kind doesn't have to be with me all my life.

Admitting the reality, exercise addition was taking over my life.

My compulsive exercise addiction interfered with every aspect of my life. I was physically and mentally tired, had poor concentration, withdrew from anything social (as it interfered with my exercise regime).

• I took the exercise alone, so my routine wasn't disturbed
• I felt anger/anxiety/guilt when not able to exercise
• Exercising in work/public toilets
• Calling in sick at work
• Increasing my exercise if higher-calorie foods were eaten
• Lying about how much exercise I had done
• No rest days
• I suffered from stress fractures
• Lost my menstrual cycle

Depression and how I felt about my body depended on how much exercise I'd done or how I performed. It was never fun or enjoyable, and I always thought I could do it.

Along with eating very little, it was a tiring and lonely part of my life.

So you may be asking,

Why am I sharing this with you? I don't want to only share the positives with you; I want to provide an insight into how my mind rationalised and prioritised thoughts, feelings and actions during my journey.

My confidence and self-respect were a centre of focus during my Walking With My Bear sessions to understand why I had developed addition. This resulted in addressing the underlying issue behind why I was using exercise; as escapism.

I was asked:

"Do you think you're worth it"?

That question had a massive impact on me, and I still find it useful to ask myself that now. I had never even considered asking myself that, I felt so uncomfortable saying it out loud (and answering it). I would cringe inside and, no, I didn't think I was.

Does it get easier?

It gets easier the more you say it, but it changed the way I viewed the question. I now look at it from a more realistic perspective. Why don't I deserve it? I do!

What would I prefer; to be healthy, happy, energetic and enjoy life?

Or be a recluse, depressed with a life dictated by food and exercise?

I slowly started gaining respect for my body and what it was capable of. I began to see food as fuel to nourish my body to keep it going for both physical and mental health. I also found out (I was amazed I've only recently found this out) that 80% of your serotonin levels (the happy hormone) comes from your gut!

Our bodies are amazing, so I started listening to mine. Your body knows what it needs (for example; rest days when you're aching or craving carbs).

A final word

Maybe you can relate to this article? Or maybe someone you care about is struggling with exercise addiction, and you want to help them. By providing insight into some of the thoughts, actions and feelings I experienced, I hope I've helped you too.

The key is to heal the underlying causes, the original reason why you are using exercise as an escape. Easier said than done, I know, but hang in there, it is a gradual journey. Time, honesty and cooperation with Working With My Bear will strengthen and deepen your recovery.

Warmest wishes and thanks for reading.

Jenny

Addiction: ” A person who cannot control how they use a substance or partake in an activity, and they become dependent on it to cope with daily life”.

In more technical terms: “Addiction is a psychological and physical inability to stop consuming a chemical or drug, activity or substance, even though it is causing psychological and physical harm”. (Medical News Today)

I was sat on my thinking step and I thought…”what advice would be useful to someone in the depths of addiction, that I wish someone had told me at that desperate time?”

I really hope someone finds this useful. This is based on my own experiences, not scientific textbook stuff.

I had to take myself back to one of my lowest moments, June 2018 on the Psychiatric Ward. I had another “blip” after this. This was pre latest detox (which was my very lowest). Sadly “blips” happen, you learn from mistakes and all! As long as it is only a blip.

I was having a really tough time accepting that I wouldn’t be able to drink ever again. The thought of giving up alcohol forever was frightening, if I’m honest. This was because I believed (which I now realise was the illness talking) life would be boring without alcohol, and the following are just some of the thoughts you have to try and rationalise and overcome: –

I would be boring without alcohol, especially in social situations!

I’ll be socially awkward and restless without it.

My anxiety will be massive.

Is there such a thing as fun without alcohol?

It settles my nerves,

I have more confidence and care less what people think of me.

I like the “merry” feeling (who was I kidding, that feeling vanished years ago).

Drinking is everywhere, everyone does it.

Why am I finding it so hard to stop, I’m so weak?

I shouldn’t have let this happen, I’m a horrible person.

Guilt! Everything I’ve put my family and friends through.

How can I be honest about it all, it’s embarrassing?

I could pretend I was “ill” no one would know.

People will think I’m a weak, selfish, pathetic, heartless and a horrible person.

They’ll think I only care about myself, how could I do this to people that love me.

They’ll think “why has it happened to her, Jen has a nice life, loving family, a little boy.

SELFISH!

I’ll have to be careful what I say, and keep things bottled up when I’m struggling, they won’t understand.

This is when I recap the definition, “it Is An Illness” both physically and mentally

If you had another illness would any of those thoughts go through your head, probably not.

If you gave up smoking (I smoke, I’m no quitter!! Haha). One thing at once, which is an addiction, could you relate to any of those thoughts?

In reality, and I’m living proof that none and I mean NONE, of those statements are true. Ask yourself “where is the evidence that any of those statements are true”? It is unhelpful, negative thinking, that I completely made up. That’s part of the illness. I can see that now but at the time I believed it was true. I had almost convinced myself it was. But it takes time and practice (lots of), which is hard to accept when you are so desperate and want to be “normal”.

Please talk to Walking With My Bear, he has the ability to turn any negative thought/situation into something positive and realistic (I don’t know how they do it, some kind of sorcery). They make me realise that there is no logic behind my irrational thinking and I always end up thinking “I can’t actually believe I believed it”. Walking With My Bear allows you to metaphorically have a “lightbulb moment”. I’m still having these now, it’s a working progress.

Can you see a link between all those negative statements? They’re all to do with self-confidence, self-worth and my view on people’s expectations.

At Walking With My Bear, we did a lot of work on my confidence, self-esteem and anxiety issues, all of which are underrated. They are so important from social events to daily tasks. They were the biggest instigators behind my drinking.

Here are some helpful statements and food for thought (I hope) to counteract the negative ones, which I wish I had known in the early stages of my recovery…

Don’t think of recovery as something you’re giving up (ie alcohol, substances and certain behaviours) think of what you are gaining,

Try not telling yourself that you can’t have something as you will want it more,

Try see the addiction as a relationship (a toxic one!!), and it’s like a grieving process of the end of the relationship and you only remember the good bits. Even though the bad bits may outweigh the good.

I under-estimated the amount of anxiety/panic attacks, low confidence, low self-esteem that I’d experience in recovery. Ensure you have the correct support, knowledge and tools ready to deal with them. They have to be dealt with; it doesn’t go away until you do. These issues have been numbed for so long, but it’s natural to experience them even when you are not in recovery.

I now accept I’ll be in recovery for the rest of my life (although Walking With My Bear may explain and bring to my attention I won’t be!) which took years and several relapses to realise. Once I accepted this, it completely changed my mindset, I was so much mentally stronger.

This made me realise that I don’t agree with being labelled an alcoholic for the rest of my life. I’m not going to be known as anorexic or bulimic for the rest of my life. As with any other illness ‘I’ve previously had (had, being the operative word), they stay in the past. The reason why I don’t agree with being labelled, is because this reinforces a state of mind with an illness.

I use the phrase “I was alcohol dependent”. Using past tense, because that’s where it is staying. It doesn’t define me or who I am now. That was not me anyway, it was my illness. I AM NOT MY ILLNESS, neither are you.

It’s amazing the amount of people (family and friends) that already knew this and knew my negative thinking was irrational. They didn’t judge me; they knew it was the illness. Honestly, people understand more than you tell yourself. They didn’t judge me on my eating disorder so why did I think they would with my alcoholism? I just had a hard time accepting alcoholism was an illness too.

I am therefore encouraging anyone who is going through a similar situation to please, please, please believe me, this is an illness. It Is Not You.  People want to help; they want to understand and they actually empathise with you and most don’t judge. There is obviously the odd few that are jerks but why would you want a narrow-minded person in your life anyway? Reach out, there is so much help out there, but you need to accept the situation.

Be honest… with yourself and others, it gets you the correct support. Support is vital, even if it’s not to talk about your problems. Reach out.

Thanks for reading.  If you have any questions, I’m sure Walking With My Bear will have no problem with passing them on to me. I have more wisdom to pass on. You are not alone.

Warmest wishes

Jenny x

When Did I Realise I Was Not Well?

When people ask “when did you realise your were not well?”, I was unsure about the answer at first. After a little ponder I realised it was only about 8 months ago. It was a couple of months after my final stint in detox.

After detox, it took a couple of months for me to notice the benefits of being sober and actually eating. It was still very early stages of recovery but with a clearer state of mind I realised how poorly I was. Even after 2 months of sobriety, daily tasks were still challenging (getting myself dressed, walking, getting and up and down the stairs, all feeling a bit of a palaver), I still shook quite uncontrollably. 

Was I actually that close to death? Yes. Did I actually care at the time? No. People didn’t think i’d survive the detox. How did I get to the point of not caring? It didn’t happen overnight. It’s a negative practice you develop with illness’ and addiction. A vicious cycle, spiralling down to a “low point” you didn’t realise existed. You think you’ve reached hell – yet hell, felt like a holiday compared to where I was. I’m not saying this for sympathy or “woe is me”, but you may be able to relate or know someone who is on a similar path  who really wants to reach out for help (hopefully not), to being trapped in a lonely dark hole. 

Walking in quicksand, getting nowhere fast. Ironically it was easier staying there than fighting. Exhausted, dangerously underweight, severely undernourished and drunk, fight was not an option. My fight had upped and left ages ago. I was in a mist of not realising something was wrong. 

Enter the professionals, thanks to my parents.

It took me ages, decades, to accept my issues, I’m still getting my head around some of my past to this day. So in the early days, I don’t recall having a “lightbulb” moment, when I thought “this isn’t right”. I’ll be honest, detox and the inpatient treatments I received were not my idea. The thought of them was terrifying. That’s probably why I was sectioned, to keep me in. 

I walked out of hospital several times, which I only vaguely remember. I had no idea what was going on or what my name was. Looking back, what a diva I was! 

I do remember, whilst trying to participate in a community detox, sitting on my smoking step, asking/pleading with the stars (which I strangely believe are dead family members) for help. So here’s where I now realise it was denial. I knew it was not right. Continuously sweeping stuff under the carpet, my head buried in the sand, I told myself to “man up”. If I didn’t admit it, it was not happening. I also realise now, that I was embarrassed.

Jonathan never gave up on me, nor let me down or judged me. Even when I was being stubborn, I thought I knew best/being a diva and at the beginning was dishonest. The dishonesty was linked to my denial and the fact that I was embarrassed and ashamed. We did a lot of work around finding a safe place for my mind. Practicing techniques around making small changes and rebuilding my self confidence when I was in said safe place. 

This helped bring up life experiences that I struggled to admit/talk about and issues that I didn’t realise had a negative impact on my life. We worked on dealing with them and accepting them as my past.

My Realisation

I now realised I shouldn’t be embarrassed, I didn’t ask for these illness’ and it definitely was not a life choice. However there’s a massive stigma with mental health and a good dose of judgement. It’s so easy to worry what people think of you and beat yourself up. These unhelpful thoughts are an actually thing, ‘catastrophising’, ‘fortune telling’ basically making stuff up. Where’s the proof? 

If people believed the stigmas, continue to judge you, think negative things about you because of your illness, are they really worth having in your life? They are not real/quality people in my opinion. It does however take time to build up your resilience to negative people. It took me ages. I use to take things very personal. I wasn’t strong enough to deal with people. Ensure you have the right minds around you,.

The more sessions I did through the applied techniques with Walking With My Bear, the more the confidence I gained. Mentally, I really got stronger and I developed tolerance and acceptance. People can have their views. Keep them. That’s all they are, views. Whilst I don’t actively attract individuals with a negative outlook, I now embrace having the strength if required to tell negative people where to go. I’m no longer willing to allow judgement to impact on my mindset.

I look back now and I can honestly say recovery is possible, its worth the hard graft, especially with the right support around you. My life is better now than it ever has been. Everything is OK in the end, and if its not OK, it’s not the end!

Expect slip ups as mistakes happen because you are trying, it’s part of recovery.

Tune in next time for “When did it start going wrong”.

Warmest wishes

Jenny’s Journey