Following my success of working with clients amongst the outdoors, during this podcast with Peter Mabbutt - Head of Academics at LSCCH, we explore the benefits to not only the therapist but equally clients when working amongst the outdoors.
Throughout this podcast, we discuss the amazing journey of Jenny. How the therapeutic process has helped transform her life.
To listen to the podcast, just click on the link below.
If you would like to know more details, whether it be how to become an outdoor therapist, or to book a discovery call to explore options on how we can help you, just get in touch and we'll arrange a mutually convenient time to have a chat to see how we may be able to help you on the next stage of your journey.
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-therapycast-vol-3-no-21/id839453129?i=1000551737468
GET IN TOUCHMy background
I have been working with Jonathan with very intense therapy for a while now. If you haven’t read my previous blogs I will briefly outline my previous struggles.
Alcohol dependency and eating disorders. I had an eating disorder for over 2 decades and became alcohol dependent for about 3 years up until 2 years ago.
Both of these addictions almost took my life. Sadly I had got to the point where I wasn’t bothered if it did.
At the time, my addiction chose alcohol and lack of eating over my own son, family and friends.
That’s addiction, it doesn’t discriminate. Situations in the past get interpreted by each individual differently and people react differently. By this, I mean that while one person wouldn’t be bothered about an event in the past, another could be quite affected by it or affected by words.
So there has been a lot of therapy around my past to overcome this. Other services had briefly brushed over and not challenged my mindset which is why it has been going on so long until Jonathan stepped in.
I’ll be honest, with all the intensive treatment I was receiving there were moments where I thought, “is this working? What’s the point? Am I ever going to be ‘fixed’? How long does this take”?
The challenge with instant gratification and being in the height of addiction is what I feel is craved as an instant fix. That “fix” is only short term and I had to accept recovering would take time.
I had “practiced” my heavy drinking for long enough, it was time to accept what’s happened, take ownership and practice the tools I had learnt to get better. I didn’t get it right straight away, I messed up but I learnt from it and sometimes had to try a different approach.
There’s a good old cliché “practice makes perfect”, I even say it to my 7 year old son, and getting your life under your control and actually having a life is totally worth it. Life can be scary, unpredictable, chaotic, highs and lows but with the right mindset and use of effective mindset tools YOU CAN get through anything.
I have, and since being sober/eating well, recently had the most challenging experience to date. In fact, it’s still not over and for the first time in my life I'm using effective skills instead of turning to drink or restricted eating.
Why it’s so important to Secure Your Tectonic Plates of Your Mind (as Jonathan would put it!)
Saturday 16th October. Wedding dress shopping with my bridesmaids and my mum. Had a great day out, meal etc, oh…found the dress. However in the back of my mind I couldn’t help worrying about my son, Bob (still not actually called Bob), he’d been off school for 2 days being sick and laid up on the sofa.
Normally this kid never stops, we do loads of active things together. On my return from the exciting day out, a rash had appeared on Bob. Without giving it 2 thoughts (of my past reservations about going to hospital and being stuck there) I rang an ambulance and packed a bag at the same time. I knew something wasn’t right.
Let’s just say in the height of my addiction and eating disorder, my own hospital experience was not a very good one and I probably wasn’t the ideal patient, which led me to getting sectioned.
Bearing in mind 2 years ago, my addiction would have chosen alcohol over my son!
On this occasion my whole world stopped, nothing mattered other than getting Bob sorted. My usual routine of exercise and set meal times which helps me stay sober and eating well, went out the window but I knew I would be OK.
I fought to get him sorted. I experienced feelings (which I would have previously tried to numb in very unhelpful ways), emotions, anxiety, sadness, guilt, hopelessness, nervous energy and very lonely and there was nowhere to go to “switch off”.
We were in and out of hospital for over a month then we contracted Covid, which was a kick in the teeth. I can honestly now tell you what got me through this.
Jonathan and myself have done so much work together. One aspect was to strengthen my mind using certain techniques attaching emotional drivers to what I wanted to achieve. My emotional drivers were trained to kick the ass out of alcohol and food issues, and all of a sudden I was now in hospital with a rare auto-immune disease impacting on my son. My emotional driver used was Bob.
Another technique used was to train my mind to take the batton as if I was in a relay race against my past self.
Jonathan would get me to imagine I was on an athletic race track. I would imagine Jonathan racing against my old dark self to start with. Jonathan would do a lap and I would take the Baton and begin racing. At first my old self would catch me up.
Over time after practice and attachment of emotional drivers, I became so mentally strong, I did not need Jonathan on the race track with me. I would just look at the old self on the other race track lane and make it clear it no longer threatened my life, nor could it beat me. I would and still smash it into the ground if my metaphorical old self even thought it could take me on!
The anger and emotions I felt towards my issues getting between me and Bob became so strong (after practice) I am now over 2 years sober. This vision and attached feelings empowered my mind and enabled me to stay strong, focused be there for Bob, and get through it with whatever cards are dealt!
I realise the situation with Bob could have gone one of two ways, but I have practiced to achieve a strong mindset and I got through it. There would have been a time previously when that situation would have brought back a lots of feelings around being in hospital but I took control of the situation, didn’t panic. Even when the word “meningitis” got thrown around. I stayed strong for him.
I’ve found it’s the build up to something that creates the anxiety, the not knowing, the things I tell myself in my head, it’s all made up nonsense.
Even though it is still ongoing it is rewarding to be writing this, and I can look back at my previous unhelpful behavior and know, that’s not me anymore. Writing this has also reminded me how useful the tools are, not only to get you through addiction (for example) but to have the ability to be strong for unexpected life situations.
Looking back, I would have found the above information quite vital the people helping you don’t have grey hairs for nothing. If I could sum up this article in one word it would be- Believe.
If you want to learn more about overcoming Anxiety, Alcoholism and eating disorders, please get in touch.
GET IN TOUCHMindset, Professionalism and Integrity - Helping you build a solid mindset
I want to share an extract from an article I wrote a couple of years ago, which I feel is very pertinent in current times. Especially given many people’s perception of the uncertainty of COVID, the economic challenge, global political implications and restrictions as well as the thoughts of uncertainty of the unknown.
So, it was day 10 of a countdown to a 430 Artic Foot Race back in December 2018:
“The day before writing this blog on the 29th December 2018, I was advised to go to the A&E department at the local hospital to get checked out, after calling the non-emergency helpline. My breathing peak flow had gone from being in the late 600’s down to under 300 and things weren’t right. I had certainly just gone through a very challenging period of my life, which took not only physical but also a lot of mental energy to say the least. My body was trying to force me to stop as it was a little exhausted to say the least.
The great news was that after various tests and x ray’s etc, the medical specialists gave me the ‘all clear’. My mind was trying to work overtime figuring out what was wrong with my heart and breathing!
I was so grateful for the loving wishes of a swift recovery which I received whilst in hospital at that time. God knows what it would be like today given the strain on the NHS due to COVID.
One thing did stand out and reminded me of some of the comments/remarks I have received over the last 12-18 months.
What I’m referring to is how a number of people, who know me, had recommended that I should slow down, ease off, take it easy for a while, question my why and much more, back in 2018.”
I understand that they are trying to look out for me, however, what I feel is essential to recognise, is the platform, their own experience or position in life, that they are making their views from.
Please understand, I am not ungrateful for the love I have received in any way whatsoever, I am truly grateful.
However, we are all implicitly and explicitly conditioned from not just ourselves, but those around us and social media influence, of course.
To get to the point, if someone is advising you to slow down, ease off, take a break, etc, is that person passing on their wisdom from their own outlook and experience of life? If so, is that person actually pushing themselves beyond their own perceived limits, or are they constantly staying within their own comfort zone? Why does this matter you may ask? I’ll come to this later on.
Don’t be scared to ask them about their own experience of being in the same situation. You may be surprised to find that they have no experience whatsoever! I feel myself steering towards the latter, where most opinions expressed are from minds that don’t actually go beyond their own comfort zone.
This can also be from people who hold certain academic qualifications on paper, but in the real world don’t know, nor have any real life experience of the magnitude of an undertaking such as my 1,000 mile unsupported arctic trek. We all have a 1,000 mile trek/journey in us. It just looks a bit different for each person.
Warning/word of advice - if you are looking to work with a Life/Mindset Coach for 2021 and beyond, is that person walking the talk, do they actually have the experience and qualifications?
I was once approached to attend a course with a claim it could excel my endurance abilities to a whole new level, and prepare me for the Arctic challenges, and all for the price of a few hundred pounds.
With an open mind, when researching and digesting their claims, it was clear that the alleged claims of their workshop were completely unfounded nor supported by medical evidence, or were experienced in endurance, nor were they living an endurance lifestyle. 2 years later and the same is still happening.
We all have a choice in our lifestyle, which I have no issue with, but if someone wants to make claims to a certain mindset practice or fitness training, yet, aren’t walking the talk in the present time and moment, nor have the experience, you have to question their integrity and ensure you don’t get conned out of money, nor be miss-led! Be careful people. I feel very passionate about this.
So, when reflecting after coming out of hospital in December 2018, my experience increased my passion, drive, tenacity and determination to push even stronger, albeit wiser, whilst I pursued my dreams, ambitions and goals. This to me, is a way of living, I know no other way. I may not get it right every time! I’m human for goodness sake. But I learn, adapt, strive through life with a fluid approach and remain determined, just like water flowing, to find the most appropriate path for my journey in life.
I wanted to share my thoughts and hope that this encourages you to go out there and Iive beyond your comfort zone. Please don’t stay within it. Go out and live and don’t be scared of falling. Failure only ever occurs if you quit on life. Falling down doesn’t mean we have failed, it just means we need to get up, brush the dust off and try again. Just like when we first started to learn to ride a bike. When we fell, we got back up and tried again.
Eventually we rose victoriously with a smile and a sense of joy like nothing else! As a child we knew no different and everyone around us encouraged us to get back up and try again.
That said, in the adult world, it seems very acceptable to quit once you have tried a couple of times.
Fast forward to today. I now find myself in my final 2 months of hard training before I ease off for my 1,000-mile unsupported trek in arctic conditions. I hold the past experience of the last 3 years of unsuccessful attempts of completing the challenges in mind. Yet, this just merely fuels my burning desire to succeed even more as I find success in the experience!
When visualising your dreams, think about what you truly desired as a child, and ask yourself, are you living the dream you once thought about? If not, spend time reflecting and “Acknowledging” on the dream you once had. “Accept” it and “Attach” the emotional drive to it. Create an “Action” plan. “Agree” to begin and then go out and “Achieve”. Learn to apply my 5A’s referred to within my book ‘How To Build On Tectonic Plates’. I can honestly say it works not just for me, but for many of my clients.
Don’t let others tell you to slow down, especially if they live within their own comfort zones! I still get at least once or twice a month people telling me to slow down, relax a little because I’m now 50. Do not get me wrong, I have more people in my world excited for me and full of encouragement.
I’m a believer that to love and care for someone, is to allow them to be free to live the life they truly desire, and support them, not oppress them with limiting ways of being.
It’s when we push ourselves beyond our perceived limitations, that we truly achieve in life and find out what we are actually made of. When we do this, we enter the unknown and it’s how we also adapt to the new experience.
Utilising the door technique I created can be a perfect accompaniment to training your mind in this area. You just need to understand the process, understand what other doors may open and how to work with unplanned thoughts, actions and feelings.
For me, I look forward and certainly don’t hold back. If anything, I push harder.
Wishing you all an amazing life.
Warmest wishes
Jonathan
#Success #Inspire #Achieve #Passion #Life #Enjoylife
Today is Friday 20th November, the date is relevant because during a session with Jonathan I was asked, by the chief himself to write a 5-year plan.
While digging around for an appropriate note-book (since eliminating alcohol from my life i've developed a slight stationary obsession, so the notebook needed to be appropriate- sparkly and inviting).
I found an old diary from exactly a year ago. I was working with Jonathan at the time and each day I was to make an entry and start with drawing a pair of glasses; the glasses were to resemble how I was viewing my mood at the time. For example;
Clear glasses = feeling good/positive/strong,
Frosted glasses = feeling a bit flat/anxious/a bit vulnerable
Tinted glasses = a bad day/very anxious/restless/urge to escape my head/low mood/volatile.
This was a good exercise to do in order to stop me focusing on all the negatives, accept situations and do something about it, put a positive flip on it and learn from it.
At first I thought it was a bit silly but it started to help me and I could see what I was doing, when I had a good day and made me realise that I was actually having some good days. I suppose I started to appreciate my good days and there's light at the end of this dark, lonely tunnel. It also helped me to reflect on the day and encourage a more logic way of thinking.
So, on Thursday 21st November 2019 I was in early stages of recovery, very vulnerable and I'd only been out of detox about 4 weeks.
"Woke up 9am, no rush to get ready. Pottered and made buns for a charity event (no idea what this occasion was) *insert clear glasses*. 10am *insert total shaded glasses* Barry (my sons Dad, it's not his actual name) text to say Bob (my son but also not his actual name) is staying at his Christmas Eve in a really blunt, dictating way, after I has asked if he could stay with me.
I started panicking, couldn't breath, cried and rang my Mum. She said they would sort it, I managed to avoid a panic attack. I'm scared, because if he doesn't stay, I don't know how I'd deal with it. I remember how I felt at the time, the urge was to drink to lose myself from my feelings, and I was genuinely worried about my safety, I was capable of anything.
I feel it's my turn to have him as I in hospital over last Christmas but "Barry" said it wasn't, I don't think that’s fair. I rang Morag (she was my amazing community mental health nurse) and she said to enjoy the time I have with him, which is true...make new memories.
I have since reflected on this and I can now see his reason behind why that's this years arrangement (see...diary writing has a way of making you realise your original impulsive thinking isn't logical). I have no idea how Bob was while I was confined to hospital for all those months, Barry has been there for him over the past year, done the hard work while i've been AWOL. I feel I am trying so hard to rebuild everything, be the good mum Bob deserves. I suppose it is good that I want that, I can't change the past, I didn't chose that path. I have to live with the devastation I caused. But the past is where it stays. 5pm, saw Bob and he had his tea, he was very good." *clear glasses.
In all honesty I had forgotten how powerful and eye-opening writing thoughts and feelings down is, it takes the metaphorical blinkers off your thinking. I can see exactly where my defensive "woe is me" attitude instantly kicked in through reading that past entry (if he was there in person, I would have totally lost it) and as I had a bit of time to calm down, I took a more logical view on the situation.
This dairy entry also demonstrates that reaching out to people when you are in a crisis is vital, helpful and there's nothing to be ashamed of. People want to help. They would much rather you reach out than the potential alternative (e.g. relapse). It's also so important to look back and acknowledge progress.
Back then I took every day as it came, planning ahead was out of the question. Here I am devising a 5-year plan (we do recover!!).
So back to the reason why I was asked to devise a 5-year plan. In the session with Big Jonny our opening conversation went a bit like this (to set the scene, Jonathan was in his usual attire-suit, cuff links, groomed salt and pepper hair etc. I on the other hand was donning my dressing gown, not even looked in the mirror that morning nor had I run a brush through my hair.
"How are you today, Jen"?
"Jonathan....I'm bored, fed up of this lockdown and fed up of not being able to see anyone. I like people nowadays".
After discussing the weeks’ events (which will be a separate blog I'm currently working on), Jonathan asked me to write a 5-year plan. I agreed, not really thinking it was a big deal. However, he brought it to my attention that it will be very significant, my mind was ready to plan and I was ready for more challenges hence the bored feeling. Previously I took every day as it came, made no future plans (this is a good thing and vital for early recovery) as pre-recovery my life was chaotic, I was volatile and in and out of hospital.
I tried booking things when my drinking and eating was steady, however subconsciously it must have been too much for me because as the events got nearer, I'd end up drinking into an oblivion. Or, if I did manage to attend (this only happened once), I ended going home early as I drank too much.
There were a number of occasions where I would book events, spas for me and my friends, theatre break for me and my mum, even arranged a trip to Ibiza as I was maid of honour. All of which I would pull out of, or, have to go home early due to my excessive drinking. It wasn’t a pleasant time.
I want to share this with you, so you can get to understand how a person can reach such low points, yet whilst they are in the mist of mayhem, they don’t really understand the havoc and upset they are causing. It’s not intentional, it’s just your mindset at that time.
So, at first when you are on the road to recovery, taking each day, one step at a time it’s vital to ensure you don’t overload yourself.
I didn't know where to start with a 5-year plan, so I did a bit of research online and there is a lot more to it than writing a little list of things you want to happen. I really advise that you consider devising one if you feel able to.
I then remember I had Jonathan’s book “How To Build On Tectonic Plates”. Part of which helps you break down your plan, both mentally and financially, so you can program your mind on a deep routed level and evoke your emotional drive!
I realised that planning a 5-year period of aims goals and aspirations, not only allowed me to make improvements to my life, but also improve/maintain existing goals and appreciate the good things I already have.
As I researched, I was planning my personal plan I realised that written down in front of me was what was important to me, minus distractions. As I started writing, other values popped up which I may have overlooked or taken for granted if it was just a plan in my head. I could also return to my ideas if other ideas came up and recap to eliminate some things that were not as important as first thought.
I'm going to bullet point my other findings as I'm running out of different words to use for "ideas".
Reasons why I found it useful to devise a plan, and encourage others who are confidently able to make future plans, to do so too ......
I am now in a strong position to make future plans, so it is exciting and maybe making a plan would ensure I kept "my eyes on the prize", focused and that I wasn't venturing into the unknown.
I realised it was more than a "to do list", as I first thought. 5 years is a nice time to make realistic changes and also enough time for the time scale of goals to be flexible (i.e lengthening/shortening).
I thought I'd learnt quite a lot about myself recently, but I found out more of who I wanted to be, what I wanted to do career wise, what I wanted in my future and realised my visions, ambitions and values.
I could think of a more logical way of reaching my goals by assessing my strengths, making use of them and being honest about what I needed to work on (this worked for my personal and career goals).
It broke everything down into simpler steps so it wouldn't seem like a mountain, which would have put me right off. It now looked more manageable and achievable.
I can now look back and see if I'm on track, both with the steps and reaching my goals. Also making adjustments along the way as we all know life isn't plain sailing.
If I'm not making progress it would be easier to work out why.
You can use templates for a 5 year plan, but I actually enjoyed creating my own (my stationary addiction came in handy, my 5 year plan is very colourful and nice to look at). On a more serious level it is unique to me, my personal circumstances and my individual values. Everyone's will be different.
I visualised my realistic, ideal future (where, what and why to maintain). It was like an epiphany (well-what I’d like to think was an epiphany), an epiphany of what truly makes me happy, NOT what I think is expected of me (if I went by other people’s expectations, I messed that up decades ago).
After doing this whole exercise I was content and confident with the path my life will hopefully go. I had tangible goals that I feel I could achieve in a real way along with the steps to get there and keep me on track. Its more specific, broken down and gives me confidence that I can actually achieve it.
The reasoning behind this blog and sharing all this is because if you are in a similar stage of recovery, or even know someone who is reaching out for help (maybe further on or it's still early days), I totally understand. Sharing what's helped me (e.g.-daily journal writing) may give you hope, ideas, or just reassurance with what you may be going through, re recovery, is normal, it's not easy but it's worth it.
I also wanted to put across that it's important to take each day as it comes but living like that is not forever, I had to get my mind and physical health strong enough to take on bigger challenges. At first I even found taking each day as it came extremely hard, but now that's not enough, my mind is ready for long term goals.
It's taken me over a year to achieve what I thought was impossible. Hard graft but totally worth it. I'm so thankful to Jonathan and for what feels like a replanning of my mind. The old guy knows what he's talking about!!!
I've probably said this before but I'm living proof that we do recover but it takes time (there's a reason it takes time), it's totally worth it and you CAN turn what seems like the impossible into possible. The phrase I used to think was a load of bull, but I know otherwise!
Warmest wishes
Jenny's Journey
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SUBSCRIBEThe relevance behind this new title is because I am investigating the success behind my 7 out of 7 (being clear of a binge/purge episode for 7 days at a time) and also how I am managing to maintain this consistency over the last 3 weeks as of writing this article.
However, I did admit to Walking With My Bear during one of my sessions that there are still strong urges, and to avoid an episode I was distracting myself.
So, I am therefore investigating/identifying the distraction techniques, which will enable me to move away from said distraction techniques; giving me the power to control my Bear.
I may have mentioned in a previous blog that distraction techniques can be useful at the start but are definitely not long-term solutions. I have found that by distracting myself, by keeping busy (getting out the house, running, shopping etc) helped me deflect my thoughts and urges from my previous unhelpful coping behaviour.
However, long term it is avoiding dealing with the underlying issue. I had to ask myself what was I distracting myself from? On the plus side, distracting and deflecting my attention from unhelpful habits, gave me a break from using these unhealthy habits and I therefore had a platform to address the underlying issues I was avoiding. If I didn’t, I would be spending the rest of my life using distraction techniques as a coping strategy and my Bear would be in control of me. It’s a bit like someone being reliant on Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) each time they feel urges/anxiety etc, they have to quickly start tapping their meridian points and begin incantations, just to get through the moment. The technique is great but shouldn’t be a dependency tool.
So here I was ready to face the next stage which was to identify the doors that were still open to my past, in any way encouraging or supporting the unhelpful behaviour. However, it is not as simple as one open door, we have to recognise there are potentially a series of doors leading up to the final "trapdoor".
But which doors have I gone through to get to the trapdoor? The main objective behind identifying which doors are open is to then understand (can we just have a moment please - I have just worked out how to underline a word on the computer!!!) why they are opening and understand my thoughts, actions and feelings connected to them. Realising which doors are open would help me gain an understanding that I was using binge/purge as a "reward" for my good behaviour (abstinence from alcohol, binge/purging or any challenges that I had conquered really).
Realising which doors were opening me to the temptation of reverting back to old ways (old ways of coping that don't serve me now). However, I also needed to work out if I was to "just" (I highlighted the word just, as it's technically not as easy as "just", it takes time and work) close the door and keep it shut, or do I open new ones to simply add a new way of being, whilst being aware of these new doors potentially being another distraction technique. So much to think about. I needed to train my Bear to not see binge/purge as a "reward", Pedro (that's my Bear) was misbehaving.
After reflecting on the corridor of different open doors which link from one to another, not only was I using binge/purge as a way to cope when I was sad or life wasn't going my way (when life felt out of control), I was also using it as a reward and finding any excuse to justify doing it in order to reward myself.
I realised the excuses were in order to feed my habit (excuse the phrase), my habit of needing instant gratification for success or for when something was going wrong. It also made me realise that as I am still restricting my diet (work in progress) and denying myself of not only tasty foods but food groups my body needs, resulting in cravings, something of which is alien to me. I am still unable to allow myself different foods. What am I actually scared of happening when I eat beige foods? To be honest though, I’m excited to be at this stage and embracing the journey to new experiences.
On the plus side I have since noticed I have been more adventurous with my food intake during the day, as I know I am not going to have a binge/purge episode (I always did this last thing at night) that evening.
I found it very useful to write down the different doors and thoughts that were open during my investigation. It helped me to take a step back to notice the doors that had opened leading up to the door for the desire to binge and purge. It was also significant in my realisation of how my thoughts and feelings were intertwined at a subconscious level and also triggered further questions to myself around my behaviour.
Let us end on a more positive note. If you have read my previous blogs, you will be aware I get a lot of good thoughts on my smoking step. Here's the latest...
When you've fallen and survived it really shows you that you can cope. You'll be able to face more challenges than before because you have survived things you never thought you could. I find this realisation powerful, handy to remember and not as cliché as "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".
Sharing this article, I hope, will provide insight on how the doors to the various elements of the programming of your mind are connected. In ways, that if you don’t spend time to understand how your thoughts actions and feelings are intertwined, at some point in the future, a door to a way of being may open unknowingly, and catch your bear by surprise.
Jen.
This time last year I was fresh out of detox still struggling to walk to the corner shop on my own, still violently shaking and still struggling to even open a bottle of juice.
Fast forward to today (30th October 2020) and I am off to climb Pen-Y-Ghent.
It was my mum that brought this to my attention, what a difference a year can make (and hard graft). Me and "big Jonathan" (that's what my son named him. There is logic behind this title - his Uncle is called Jonny, too) are off up a mountain. This made me realise that I need to reflect and be proud of how far I've come. To learn from my mistakes and that it is dangerous to be complacent.
There is reasoning behind Jonathan and myself going up this big old hill. It is to "take my recovery to a new level". A level that I have previously not been ready for or strong enough (mentally or physically) for. Dreading is the wrong word, but I was quite apprehensive, and my anxiety was itching to tag along. What will we dig up/talk about?
In the car on the way there, even when my mind tried to prevent him, Jonathan (as always) got into my mind without me fearing his questions and asked "What was your earliest memory of binge/purging/bulimia". My reply...."I remember the exact moment I first did it. I even remember what I was wearing. Now I'm thinking about it; I can feel the same feeling and I have the same thoughts as I did back then". It was weird and I'd never actually spoken about it before.
Here's the scene …
I had started my healthy eating regime and I had gone to my friend’s house before the stables. Her mum made the most amazing cakes. We all had some, then we all had some more. Not only did I feel sick, but I felt so guilty for ruining my new regime, the guilt wouldn't leave my thoughts. We arrived at the stables and I made myself sick into a bucket (I have never admitted this). I was about 13 years old and my young naive mind thought I had discovered something magical ... I could still eat cake and not worry about putting on weight. Or as I was told as a child at parties "don't eat anymore, Jen, you'll end up like a certain celebrity" (I’ve excluded the name out of respect to the celebrity), I could still eat cake and release that horrible full/guilty feeling.
My mum did suss out something one day, although I don't think she realised the severity of my new issue, she took me to the doctor who clearly didn't know what to do and I was given a book about counting calories. Useful!!!
Sorry ... I’ve gone off the subject but just wanted to provide some background. Jonathan then asked, "how did you know how to do it"? I wasn't too sure at first, but I do remember someone doing it at school, after eating just an apple. I thought it was a bit odd, and just assumed it was attention she was after. Jonathan asked if it may have been attention I was wanting. For me, it was the opposite, my little secret. I didn't want anyone to know because if anyone found out, I’d be made to stop and I’d lose my release.
We parked up in Horton-in-Ribblesdale. The weather wasn't too cracking, it was quite damp with low clouds, but apparently it was ideal weather for what we were doing today. "But I can't see how savage the hill is or what’s behind those clouds" I moaned. But Jonathan (like he always does) put a positive spin on the situation. "How do you know it's going to be savage, it might be easy, beyond the clouds could be something amazing". When faced with the unknown why do I always assume the unknown to be a negative experience? Can anyone relate?
Up ahead was a long winding path ascending into low clouds, with gates at various intervals. This was going to be my journey and along the way we were going to deal with the "doors" to my past; some horrendous experiences, and finally close them. Whilst they are still open they are contributing to my negative coping behaviour, as I used them back then to cope at the time.
This was the start of a significant journey, looking up at the cloudy path ahead I had to walk tall, confident, looking ahead, noticing what was ahead, as though I was heading for a battle. Paying attention to my breath was important, too, not only as I was struggling with my asthma (nothing to do with the fact I’ve still not quit smoking) but to "breath in the energy around me". Jonathan explains that there is energy all around us and to concentrate on the negative feelings and where they are and to exhale them, and to fill yourself with the positive energy, strength, through your breathing. Jonathan will be able to explain this much better than I can. You may have heard before that if you omit positive vibes you attract positive energy back, two-fold. It's worth trying, however be careful of "mood hoovers"(people who are attracted by your positive nature but subconsciously hoover it out of you and bring you down, especially as they deplete your energy).
Approaching the first gate I had to think of the things from the past that could still be influencing me today. There were a few situations that I thought I’d buried, but in honesty I have never dealt with or spoken about them. I was about to face the battle and when I touched the gate to go through, my battle commenced. I had a song in my head ‘It's time by Imagine Dragons’, very apt for the moment. When I touched the gate it was time to start my journey, I had to think and deal with the first issue from the past up until we get to a pile of stones ahead, the "check point". It was at the check point where I would leave this issue for good and "close the door on it". Deep breathing to release it. This continued as we ascended the hill until I actually had to stop as my backside was hurting. I thought I was quite fit; I run, do weights, I felt a bit deflated.
So, we stopped, paused, took some deep breaths and as I exhaled the pain went away. Jonathan brought it to my attention that this pausing can be used in everyday life when you are having a difficult moment/situation or life is busy or your head is sad/hurting ... pause, give yourself time to assess the situation, try to gain some logic in the moment. That is all it is, a moment, I (and you) have the ability to influence a change in our thinking, sometimes I just need reminding as it's all too easy to go into autopilot mode.
We kept climbing and at various stages closed a few more doors. Then we reached a flight of steps (not sure if "a flight of steps" is the correct terminology halfway up a mountain, let’s just go with it). "Have you ever heard of the phrase, stairway to heaven" Jonathan asked. "Well this is your stairway to freedom, free of your past. A new start, a new chapter".
I can honestly say that I was excited to climb these steps. May I add there were more steps than at Whitby Abbey, I’m sure. The feeling in my stomach was no longer heavy, I felt light and genuinely felt like I was leaving the past behind. I worked out I’d been carrying around those horrendous experiences from the past for over 15 years. After a couple of pauses whilst climbing the stairs, (I had done circuit training the night before and my legs were reminding me of this) we reached the top. Couldn't see anything but I felt like I had won the battle. The descent was going to be "all downhill from now" (pun intended).
On the way down, I reflected on what I had achieved today. Life is like climbing a mountain, it's a journey of ups and downs (and savage steps).The ascend to the top is often a struggle, a battle, the hard work. But once you get to the top there's the vista, you have achieved something worthwhile. You've made it, won the battle then you can enjoy the downhill bit.
When life gets hard it is definitely worth the battle. I am living proof of this. I can't even begin to explain how hard my recovery has been and if I’m honest, I’m surprised I had it in me. To get through and survive what I have. I have been so lucky to have the support of my parents and Jonathan along the way. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be here now. Sober and enjoying life more than I ever have.
Wishing you all an amazing journey
Jen x
