Following my success of working with clients amongst the outdoors, during this podcast with Peter Mabbutt - Head of Academics at LSCCH, we explore the benefits to not only the therapist but equally clients when working amongst the outdoors.
Throughout this podcast, we discuss the amazing journey of Jenny. How the therapeutic process has helped transform her life.
To listen to the podcast, just click on the link below.
If you would like to know more details, whether it be how to become an outdoor therapist, or to book a discovery call to explore options on how we can help you, just get in touch and we'll arrange a mutually convenient time to have a chat to see how we may be able to help you on the next stage of your journey.
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-therapycast-vol-3-no-21/id839453129?i=1000551737468
GET IN TOUCHMy background
I have been working with Jonathan with very intense therapy for a while now. If you haven’t read my previous blogs I will briefly outline my previous struggles.
Alcohol dependency and eating disorders. I had an eating disorder for over 2 decades and became alcohol dependent for about 3 years up until 2 years ago.
Both of these addictions almost took my life. Sadly I had got to the point where I wasn’t bothered if it did.
At the time, my addiction chose alcohol and lack of eating over my own son, family and friends.
That’s addiction, it doesn’t discriminate. Situations in the past get interpreted by each individual differently and people react differently. By this, I mean that while one person wouldn’t be bothered about an event in the past, another could be quite affected by it or affected by words.
So there has been a lot of therapy around my past to overcome this. Other services had briefly brushed over and not challenged my mindset which is why it has been going on so long until Jonathan stepped in.
I’ll be honest, with all the intensive treatment I was receiving there were moments where I thought, “is this working? What’s the point? Am I ever going to be ‘fixed’? How long does this take”?
The challenge with instant gratification and being in the height of addiction is what I feel is craved as an instant fix. That “fix” is only short term and I had to accept recovering would take time.
I had “practiced” my heavy drinking for long enough, it was time to accept what’s happened, take ownership and practice the tools I had learnt to get better. I didn’t get it right straight away, I messed up but I learnt from it and sometimes had to try a different approach.
There’s a good old cliché “practice makes perfect”, I even say it to my 7 year old son, and getting your life under your control and actually having a life is totally worth it. Life can be scary, unpredictable, chaotic, highs and lows but with the right mindset and use of effective mindset tools YOU CAN get through anything.
I have, and since being sober/eating well, recently had the most challenging experience to date. In fact, it’s still not over and for the first time in my life I'm using effective skills instead of turning to drink or restricted eating.
Why it’s so important to Secure Your Tectonic Plates of Your Mind (as Jonathan would put it!)
Saturday 16th October. Wedding dress shopping with my bridesmaids and my mum. Had a great day out, meal etc, oh…found the dress. However in the back of my mind I couldn’t help worrying about my son, Bob (still not actually called Bob), he’d been off school for 2 days being sick and laid up on the sofa.
Normally this kid never stops, we do loads of active things together. On my return from the exciting day out, a rash had appeared on Bob. Without giving it 2 thoughts (of my past reservations about going to hospital and being stuck there) I rang an ambulance and packed a bag at the same time. I knew something wasn’t right.
Let’s just say in the height of my addiction and eating disorder, my own hospital experience was not a very good one and I probably wasn’t the ideal patient, which led me to getting sectioned.
Bearing in mind 2 years ago, my addiction would have chosen alcohol over my son!
On this occasion my whole world stopped, nothing mattered other than getting Bob sorted. My usual routine of exercise and set meal times which helps me stay sober and eating well, went out the window but I knew I would be OK.
I fought to get him sorted. I experienced feelings (which I would have previously tried to numb in very unhelpful ways), emotions, anxiety, sadness, guilt, hopelessness, nervous energy and very lonely and there was nowhere to go to “switch off”.
We were in and out of hospital for over a month then we contracted Covid, which was a kick in the teeth. I can honestly now tell you what got me through this.
Jonathan and myself have done so much work together. One aspect was to strengthen my mind using certain techniques attaching emotional drivers to what I wanted to achieve. My emotional drivers were trained to kick the ass out of alcohol and food issues, and all of a sudden I was now in hospital with a rare auto-immune disease impacting on my son. My emotional driver used was Bob.
Another technique used was to train my mind to take the batton as if I was in a relay race against my past self.
Jonathan would get me to imagine I was on an athletic race track. I would imagine Jonathan racing against my old dark self to start with. Jonathan would do a lap and I would take the Baton and begin racing. At first my old self would catch me up.
Over time after practice and attachment of emotional drivers, I became so mentally strong, I did not need Jonathan on the race track with me. I would just look at the old self on the other race track lane and make it clear it no longer threatened my life, nor could it beat me. I would and still smash it into the ground if my metaphorical old self even thought it could take me on!
The anger and emotions I felt towards my issues getting between me and Bob became so strong (after practice) I am now over 2 years sober. This vision and attached feelings empowered my mind and enabled me to stay strong, focused be there for Bob, and get through it with whatever cards are dealt!
I realise the situation with Bob could have gone one of two ways, but I have practiced to achieve a strong mindset and I got through it. There would have been a time previously when that situation would have brought back a lots of feelings around being in hospital but I took control of the situation, didn’t panic. Even when the word “meningitis” got thrown around. I stayed strong for him.
I’ve found it’s the build up to something that creates the anxiety, the not knowing, the things I tell myself in my head, it’s all made up nonsense.
Even though it is still ongoing it is rewarding to be writing this, and I can look back at my previous unhelpful behavior and know, that’s not me anymore. Writing this has also reminded me how useful the tools are, not only to get you through addiction (for example) but to have the ability to be strong for unexpected life situations.
Looking back, I would have found the above information quite vital the people helping you don’t have grey hairs for nothing. If I could sum up this article in one word it would be- Believe.
If you want to learn more about overcoming Anxiety, Alcoholism and eating disorders, please get in touch.
GET IN TOUCHToday is Friday 20th November, the date is relevant because during a session with Jonathan I was asked, by the chief himself to write a 5-year plan.
While digging around for an appropriate note-book (since eliminating alcohol from my life i've developed a slight stationary obsession, so the notebook needed to be appropriate- sparkly and inviting).
I found an old diary from exactly a year ago. I was working with Jonathan at the time and each day I was to make an entry and start with drawing a pair of glasses; the glasses were to resemble how I was viewing my mood at the time. For example;
Clear glasses = feeling good/positive/strong,
Frosted glasses = feeling a bit flat/anxious/a bit vulnerable
Tinted glasses = a bad day/very anxious/restless/urge to escape my head/low mood/volatile.
This was a good exercise to do in order to stop me focusing on all the negatives, accept situations and do something about it, put a positive flip on it and learn from it.
At first I thought it was a bit silly but it started to help me and I could see what I was doing, when I had a good day and made me realise that I was actually having some good days. I suppose I started to appreciate my good days and there's light at the end of this dark, lonely tunnel. It also helped me to reflect on the day and encourage a more logic way of thinking.
So, on Thursday 21st November 2019 I was in early stages of recovery, very vulnerable and I'd only been out of detox about 4 weeks.
"Woke up 9am, no rush to get ready. Pottered and made buns for a charity event (no idea what this occasion was) *insert clear glasses*. 10am *insert total shaded glasses* Barry (my sons Dad, it's not his actual name) text to say Bob (my son but also not his actual name) is staying at his Christmas Eve in a really blunt, dictating way, after I has asked if he could stay with me.
I started panicking, couldn't breath, cried and rang my Mum. She said they would sort it, I managed to avoid a panic attack. I'm scared, because if he doesn't stay, I don't know how I'd deal with it. I remember how I felt at the time, the urge was to drink to lose myself from my feelings, and I was genuinely worried about my safety, I was capable of anything.
I feel it's my turn to have him as I in hospital over last Christmas but "Barry" said it wasn't, I don't think that’s fair. I rang Morag (she was my amazing community mental health nurse) and she said to enjoy the time I have with him, which is true...make new memories.
I have since reflected on this and I can now see his reason behind why that's this years arrangement (see...diary writing has a way of making you realise your original impulsive thinking isn't logical). I have no idea how Bob was while I was confined to hospital for all those months, Barry has been there for him over the past year, done the hard work while i've been AWOL. I feel I am trying so hard to rebuild everything, be the good mum Bob deserves. I suppose it is good that I want that, I can't change the past, I didn't chose that path. I have to live with the devastation I caused. But the past is where it stays. 5pm, saw Bob and he had his tea, he was very good." *clear glasses.
In all honesty I had forgotten how powerful and eye-opening writing thoughts and feelings down is, it takes the metaphorical blinkers off your thinking. I can see exactly where my defensive "woe is me" attitude instantly kicked in through reading that past entry (if he was there in person, I would have totally lost it) and as I had a bit of time to calm down, I took a more logical view on the situation.
This dairy entry also demonstrates that reaching out to people when you are in a crisis is vital, helpful and there's nothing to be ashamed of. People want to help. They would much rather you reach out than the potential alternative (e.g. relapse). It's also so important to look back and acknowledge progress.
Back then I took every day as it came, planning ahead was out of the question. Here I am devising a 5-year plan (we do recover!!).
So back to the reason why I was asked to devise a 5-year plan. In the session with Big Jonny our opening conversation went a bit like this (to set the scene, Jonathan was in his usual attire-suit, cuff links, groomed salt and pepper hair etc. I on the other hand was donning my dressing gown, not even looked in the mirror that morning nor had I run a brush through my hair.
"How are you today, Jen"?
"Jonathan....I'm bored, fed up of this lockdown and fed up of not being able to see anyone. I like people nowadays".
After discussing the weeks’ events (which will be a separate blog I'm currently working on), Jonathan asked me to write a 5-year plan. I agreed, not really thinking it was a big deal. However, he brought it to my attention that it will be very significant, my mind was ready to plan and I was ready for more challenges hence the bored feeling. Previously I took every day as it came, made no future plans (this is a good thing and vital for early recovery) as pre-recovery my life was chaotic, I was volatile and in and out of hospital.
I tried booking things when my drinking and eating was steady, however subconsciously it must have been too much for me because as the events got nearer, I'd end up drinking into an oblivion. Or, if I did manage to attend (this only happened once), I ended going home early as I drank too much.
There were a number of occasions where I would book events, spas for me and my friends, theatre break for me and my mum, even arranged a trip to Ibiza as I was maid of honour. All of which I would pull out of, or, have to go home early due to my excessive drinking. It wasn’t a pleasant time.
I want to share this with you, so you can get to understand how a person can reach such low points, yet whilst they are in the mist of mayhem, they don’t really understand the havoc and upset they are causing. It’s not intentional, it’s just your mindset at that time.
So, at first when you are on the road to recovery, taking each day, one step at a time it’s vital to ensure you don’t overload yourself.
I didn't know where to start with a 5-year plan, so I did a bit of research online and there is a lot more to it than writing a little list of things you want to happen. I really advise that you consider devising one if you feel able to.
I then remember I had Jonathan’s book “How To Build On Tectonic Plates”. Part of which helps you break down your plan, both mentally and financially, so you can program your mind on a deep routed level and evoke your emotional drive!
I realised that planning a 5-year period of aims goals and aspirations, not only allowed me to make improvements to my life, but also improve/maintain existing goals and appreciate the good things I already have.
As I researched, I was planning my personal plan I realised that written down in front of me was what was important to me, minus distractions. As I started writing, other values popped up which I may have overlooked or taken for granted if it was just a plan in my head. I could also return to my ideas if other ideas came up and recap to eliminate some things that were not as important as first thought.
I'm going to bullet point my other findings as I'm running out of different words to use for "ideas".
Reasons why I found it useful to devise a plan, and encourage others who are confidently able to make future plans, to do so too ......
I am now in a strong position to make future plans, so it is exciting and maybe making a plan would ensure I kept "my eyes on the prize", focused and that I wasn't venturing into the unknown.
I realised it was more than a "to do list", as I first thought. 5 years is a nice time to make realistic changes and also enough time for the time scale of goals to be flexible (i.e lengthening/shortening).
I thought I'd learnt quite a lot about myself recently, but I found out more of who I wanted to be, what I wanted to do career wise, what I wanted in my future and realised my visions, ambitions and values.
I could think of a more logical way of reaching my goals by assessing my strengths, making use of them and being honest about what I needed to work on (this worked for my personal and career goals).
It broke everything down into simpler steps so it wouldn't seem like a mountain, which would have put me right off. It now looked more manageable and achievable.
I can now look back and see if I'm on track, both with the steps and reaching my goals. Also making adjustments along the way as we all know life isn't plain sailing.
If I'm not making progress it would be easier to work out why.
You can use templates for a 5 year plan, but I actually enjoyed creating my own (my stationary addiction came in handy, my 5 year plan is very colourful and nice to look at). On a more serious level it is unique to me, my personal circumstances and my individual values. Everyone's will be different.
I visualised my realistic, ideal future (where, what and why to maintain). It was like an epiphany (well-what I’d like to think was an epiphany), an epiphany of what truly makes me happy, NOT what I think is expected of me (if I went by other people’s expectations, I messed that up decades ago).
After doing this whole exercise I was content and confident with the path my life will hopefully go. I had tangible goals that I feel I could achieve in a real way along with the steps to get there and keep me on track. Its more specific, broken down and gives me confidence that I can actually achieve it.
The reasoning behind this blog and sharing all this is because if you are in a similar stage of recovery, or even know someone who is reaching out for help (maybe further on or it's still early days), I totally understand. Sharing what's helped me (e.g.-daily journal writing) may give you hope, ideas, or just reassurance with what you may be going through, re recovery, is normal, it's not easy but it's worth it.
I also wanted to put across that it's important to take each day as it comes but living like that is not forever, I had to get my mind and physical health strong enough to take on bigger challenges. At first I even found taking each day as it came extremely hard, but now that's not enough, my mind is ready for long term goals.
It's taken me over a year to achieve what I thought was impossible. Hard graft but totally worth it. I'm so thankful to Jonathan and for what feels like a replanning of my mind. The old guy knows what he's talking about!!!
I've probably said this before but I'm living proof that we do recover but it takes time (there's a reason it takes time), it's totally worth it and you CAN turn what seems like the impossible into possible. The phrase I used to think was a load of bull, but I know otherwise!
Warmest wishes
Jenny's Journey
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SUBSCRIBEToday is my sober-anniversary! Unreal. Writing this today is a "sobering" (no pun intended. I did actually mean to do that!!) reflection of what I have been through. It's a reminder that I do not want to go back there.
When you feel so good, it's easy to become complacent, but that can be dangerous in recovery. I appreciate everything and everyone who has helped me and supported me to get to where I am today.
I really am amazed I survived. I say thank you every day.
Exactly this time last year I was in detox, the first day without a drink, with a massive head injury due to a seizure. I hadn't a clue what was going on, and I hadn't even started full withdrawal. It was so scary.
This is also a reminder that recovery takes time. I've been sober a year, and 5 days ago I was really in need of a drink. Thankfully, I'm still taking Antabuse, which I chose to go on.
Antabuse is a controlled medication to make you highly allergic to alcohol and any product or food with alcohol in it.
I would like to think I'm strong enough now to have not picked up a drink if I wasn't taking them, but I don't really want to think about what could have happened. That is even after a year, which proves recovery is long and challenging, but totally possible and worth it, stick with it
So, what put me in the position of needing a drink, I hear you ask!?
The lovely game known as online dating. I never realised there were so many liars out there. Long story short, everything was going really well with a guy, and we had started "seeing" each other, so almost official. It was a bonus he was also nice to look at.
Then his ex rocked up one day and was not very happy, shall we say. He had warned me she didn't like seeing him happy and because she had Bi-Polar, her moods were quite unpredictable (please don't think I'm saying anything negative towards her and her issues, I don't judge anyone).
Here I was faced with a rather heated discussion. However, I used to be a custody officer, so my interpersonal skills came in handy to diffuse the situation. I've experienced a lot worse!
He apologised profusely, but then I heard nothing from him. I'm quite proud of myself for not taking it personally, but I was genuinely sad about it. Quite gutted in fact as it was going so well.
That would have been a perfect excuse to drink to numb those feelings. Even when my drinking was normal, that's how I would have dealt with it, as would the majority of people. So, with no instant relief/escape from the feelings and emotions, I had to "ride it out". I kept telling myself they are just emotions, and they will pass.
I acknowledged and processed the emotions, and sent them on their merry little way. I even asked my friend "what do 'normal' people do when they experience this feeling"… her answer "we drink"!! (how we chuckled).
So, what am I really supposed to do! I was hoping that I would wake up feeling different the next day. This didn't really make me feel any better at the time. Still, this is a life experience, and it's utterly alien to me, coping with situations without my alcohol crutch.
I tried to distract myself, which I know isn't ideal as I know it won't go away until I faced up to it and dealt with it, but I knew I'd be talking with Walking With My Bear in 3 days. Jonathan would make everything better. He always said if I need to speak; just call.
I decided to call Jonathan, and he did make me feel better. I was reminded that I am bravely exposing myself to new experiences that have the potential to weaken my inner strength. And that unconsciously the lead up to my "sober-anniversary" would be playing on my mind too.
Relationships are a roller-coaster, as is life. Feelings are inevitable, and the more you deal with them and accept them for what they are (just feelings), the easier they become to diffuse.
Distraction techniques may seem to work on impulse, but you need to be aware you will have to face the situation and accept it at some point.
Otherwise, you may refer back to your old unhelpful coping strategies, i.e. potential relapse as the situation will still be there.
It's about learning to close those doors to your old ways of thoughts, actions and feelings. Walking With My Bear opened my eyes and mind to make me realise I defeated a relapse. I am therefore fully capable of defeating potential relapses.
I suppose this was quite an achievement, and I should be proud of myself. I, therefore, need to work at reflecting on the progress I have made as it is so easy to let your achievements go unrecognised and take them for granted. The lack of self-praise can be quite dangerous in recovery. So please keep that in mind.
After speaking with Jonathan after the incident and reflecting back on the session, I realised there were still some issues from my past that were subconsciously bothering me. Therefore, holding me back from letting go of my unhealthy coping strategies, that don't serve me anymore.
We used the Spider Web theory, and this time I understood it a lot more. I was amazed at how even a small situation in your life can open or be linked to so many other experiences or programmed behavioural patterns later down the line.
However, the main things I opened up about were sadly not small issues, and I never speak about them. The two "doorways" that opened up were linked to past relationships and had maybe been affecting more recent ones. I decided I need to do some homework and investigate if there are any other previous issues I finally need to address.
I advise that before dealing with bigger issues tackle the smaller ones first. It will enable you to face the heavier challenges more effectively, as you will have gained confidence and strength regarding challenging your past.
There is hope out there. Reach out, it's not something you'll regret.
Jen x
This part of my story is going to be the hardest for me to write as it is still so recent for me. The feelings and emotions are raw.
In fact, I actually don't want to do it if I'm honest. I'm still a bit ashamed, embarrassed and worried about what people will think.
I'm still unsure as to why I find it so hard to talk about, maybe I'm struggling to accept it as an illness? Perhaps I feel hypocritical dishing out helpful techniques when I'm still actively battling the condition?
Saying that, with the help from Walking With My Bear so far, I've reduced my binging and purging from daily to just an average of twice a week, and I'm getting stronger each week.
I'm writing this to hopefully help someone in a similar situation.
Someone on a similar journey, because that's what it is. It's not straight forward, and you mustn't expect permanent changes overnight – expect ups and downs.
Even when you make the smallest of changes, just remind yourself of what you've accomplished by making that change. It might be you have a tiny bit more confidence, a better understanding or another ounce of self-worth. Every bit of strength allows you to continue on your journey.
I'm sharing my story, however difficult, so I too can celebrate my victories, and keep on this path getting healthier and braver.
Another way for me to numb those pesky feelings and emotions. A release and a way of controlling something in your life.
When you're binging, you can't cry. So why did I want to cry?
Working with Walking With My Bear, I've since unearthed various parts of my life that could have contributed to my eating disorder. My attitude towards food turned into habitual behaviour that I have practised on and off for over 20 years. I suppose binging and purging was my 'safety habit' in the beginning, a way of controlling something when life threw those lovely curveballs.
Going back a few years when my eating issues were getting better, my drinking then got worse, and vice versa. I swapped one unhelpful way of numbing my mind to another.
The NHS eating disorder service is reluctant to treat eating and drinking issues together. Even though it is so common for them to come hand in hand (as I've mentioned in Part 3 of my journey).
I got into a very vicious cycle, and the eating disorder team thought I was doing ok with my eating. Still, in reality, I was becoming alcohol dependant, to cope with my mind. I even drank on the ward when I was incarcerated to "cope".
I was playing my part and eating to get out of the place. That was my mindset, and there wasn't a lot of mental health support; considering I was sectioned in an eating disorder hospital. The staff on the ward were more supportive than the qualified specialists with whom I would see just once a week if I was lucky.
I went from eating practically nothing to 3 meals a day, 2 snacks and supper. Drinking was how I now coped because I was no longer in control of my food, and the reason I was doing this to myself in the first place wasn't being addressed.
Fast forward a year or so, defying death, making it through detox for alcoholism, finally sober I have another challenge to face.
Picture me on my discharge date from detox:
I walk out of there riddled with anxiety, guilt, low self-confidence and no self-worth. I'm inundated with thoughts and feelings that were previously numbed by alcohol, also feeling like I've physically been hit by a bus. Most of these feelings stemmed from knowing my bulimia would creep back in. I knew this because it had already started whilst in detox.
There was a lot of support and group work in detox regarding addiction, but nothing aimed at my eating issues, at the time.
Inevitably (for me) the drinking stopped, and binge/purge turned into a daily occurrence. Releasing me from my emotions and a different way of numbing and controlling something, along with diet restrictions. I felt major guilt that I was still too physically unwell to exercise or even move much. I believed at the time as I wasn't very mobile, I didn't deserve to eat.
I now find it useful to see my eating issues as a type of addiction. So, I apply and adapt specific knowledge from my addiction therapy to the eating side of things (this is only a recent breakthrough).
I spent many months working on, and still am, my binge and purge behaviour. It took a while for me to be entirely honest with Jonathan, even though he was always professional, non-judgemental and for me, the guru of mental health issues.
I was scared and embarrassed. It felt like my safety net was being taken away from me, remember I was also battling alcohol addiction at the same time.
Jonathan and I worked on learning to live with the past. Identifying my addiction as an illness and acknowledging that my "Bear" was misbehaving.
But why? And how do I get my "Bear" to work with me, to be my friend.
I had brain frazzle (feel free to use my new phrase), a mist surrounding my mind.
Making my "Bear" behave was about gaining the confidence to push past boundaries and make achieving more desirable than the urge to purge. I slowly started to gain the confidence and ability to believe the reality of it all and what I would gain from not doing it, what was right, wrong and why.
We pin-pointed that the internal and external influences fed (no pun intended) my urges.
There are two helpful strategies that we still work with now:
The Spiders Web is a strategy Walking With My Bear created to identify key elements of an event in a person's life. These individual aspects from your past can influence thoughts, feelings and actions when applied to any other situation in life.
This theory helps to break down the situation and determine what previous events are influencing your current behaviour and choices.
Where have you used this unhelpful behaviour before to cope?
Every time you come to a decision; you have a choice. Take time to weigh up your options and "play the full tape" (meaning, if you chose a certain option, what would happen later down the line?).
There is also The Circle theory, which I tend to use more when faced with challenging thoughts or decisions.
In a circle, write down everything you can control.
In a bigger circle around the first one, write in it the things you can influence or think you may be able to change.
On the outside of the circle, write the things you feel you cannot control. Now bring your focus to all 3 sections.
This helps you identify and realise the 3 versions of an outcome or situation. With each point bring The Spiders Web technique into the analysing process (reminder; identify key elements of your past that influence your thoughts, feelings and action).
By using The Circle theory and The Spiders Web technique, you'll soon discover whether you can control or influence the challenge you are facing. Or that in fact, there's no point sweating over the things you have no control over.
Applying both techniques in this order provides you with an effective method that breaks down your thought process to:
Something else which I find helpful to resist urges to binge is that for me, cravings only last 40 minutes. It's fairly easy to distract yourself for 40 minutes. Get out of the house, have a shower or go for a drive.
You're not avoiding dealing with it. Once the urge has subsided, even a bit, you can use the Spider Web, Circle Theory or even both to find the reason behind the urge to binge once your mind has calmed down.
When I use these techniques, it empowers me to push my boundaries to the next level, i.e. towards altogether stopping or doing a day less.
Just over 2 months ago I was binging and purging every day. 2 months later and I am averaging 5 out of 7 days a week free from binging and purging. I even went 14 days at one point without any binging or purging.
It's like going up the ladder of success. You take 2 steps up and sometimes you have to go down a step just to catch your breath. Each time I progress, my Bear tries to re-adjust me back to my old ways.
I keep progressing up that ladder due to the process of mindset techniques taught to me by Walking With My Bear.
These allow and empower me to identify key triggers, thoughts and behavioural patterns.
Giving me a newfound confidence that I will be free of my addictions, eating disorder and previously used coping strategies.
Please feel free to get in touch with Walking With My Bear if you would like some support from me. I would be more than happy to open "Jen's book of wisdom" for you.
Warmest Wishes, until next time.
Jenny x
Addiction: ” A person who cannot control how they use a substance or partake in an activity, and they become dependent on it to cope with daily life”.
In more technical terms: “Addiction is a psychological and physical inability to stop consuming a chemical or drug, activity or substance, even though it is causing psychological and physical harm”. (Medical News Today)
I was sat on my thinking step and I thought…”what advice would be useful to someone in the depths of addiction, that I wish someone had told me at that desperate time?”
I really hope someone finds this useful. This is based on my own experiences, not scientific textbook stuff.
I had to take myself back to one of my lowest moments, June 2018 on the Psychiatric Ward. I had another “blip” after this. This was pre latest detox (which was my very lowest). Sadly “blips” happen, you learn from mistakes and all! As long as it is only a blip.
I was having a really tough time accepting that I wouldn’t be able to drink ever again. The thought of giving up alcohol forever was frightening, if I’m honest. This was because I believed (which I now realise was the illness talking) life would be boring without alcohol, and the following are just some of the thoughts you have to try and rationalise and overcome: –
I would be boring without alcohol, especially in social situations!
I’ll be socially awkward and restless without it.
My anxiety will be massive.
Is there such a thing as fun without alcohol?
It settles my nerves,
I have more confidence and care less what people think of me.
I like the “merry” feeling (who was I kidding, that feeling vanished years ago).
Drinking is everywhere, everyone does it.
Why am I finding it so hard to stop, I’m so weak?
I shouldn’t have let this happen, I’m a horrible person.
Guilt! Everything I’ve put my family and friends through.
How can I be honest about it all, it’s embarrassing?
I could pretend I was “ill” no one would know.
People will think I’m a weak, selfish, pathetic, heartless and a horrible person.
They’ll think I only care about myself, how could I do this to people that love me.
They’ll think “why has it happened to her, Jen has a nice life, loving family, a little boy.
SELFISH!
I’ll have to be careful what I say, and keep things bottled up when I’m struggling, they won’t understand.
This is when I recap the definition, “it Is An Illness” both physically and mentally
If you had another illness would any of those thoughts go through your head, probably not.
If you gave up smoking (I smoke, I’m no quitter!! Haha). One thing at once, which is an addiction, could you relate to any of those thoughts?
In reality, and I’m living proof that none and I mean NONE, of those statements are true. Ask yourself “where is the evidence that any of those statements are true”? It is unhelpful, negative thinking, that I completely made up. That’s part of the illness. I can see that now but at the time I believed it was true. I had almost convinced myself it was. But it takes time and practice (lots of), which is hard to accept when you are so desperate and want to be “normal”.
Please talk to Walking With My Bear, he has the ability to turn any negative thought/situation into something positive and realistic (I don’t know how they do it, some kind of sorcery). They make me realise that there is no logic behind my irrational thinking and I always end up thinking “I can’t actually believe I believed it”. Walking With My Bear allows you to metaphorically have a “lightbulb moment”. I’m still having these now, it’s a working progress.
Can you see a link between all those negative statements? They’re all to do with self-confidence, self-worth and my view on people’s expectations.
At Walking With My Bear, we did a lot of work on my confidence, self-esteem and anxiety issues, all of which are underrated. They are so important from social events to daily tasks. They were the biggest instigators behind my drinking.
Here are some helpful statements and food for thought (I hope) to counteract the negative ones, which I wish I had known in the early stages of my recovery…
Don’t think of recovery as something you’re giving up (ie alcohol, substances and certain behaviours) think of what you are gaining,
Try not telling yourself that you can’t have something as you will want it more,
Try see the addiction as a relationship (a toxic one!!), and it’s like a grieving process of the end of the relationship and you only remember the good bits. Even though the bad bits may outweigh the good.
I under-estimated the amount of anxiety/panic attacks, low confidence, low self-esteem that I’d experience in recovery. Ensure you have the correct support, knowledge and tools ready to deal with them. They have to be dealt with; it doesn’t go away until you do. These issues have been numbed for so long, but it’s natural to experience them even when you are not in recovery.
I now accept I’ll be in recovery for the rest of my life (although Walking With My Bear may explain and bring to my attention I won’t be!) which took years and several relapses to realise. Once I accepted this, it completely changed my mindset, I was so much mentally stronger.
This made me realise that I don’t agree with being labelled an alcoholic for the rest of my life. I’m not going to be known as anorexic or bulimic for the rest of my life. As with any other illness ‘I’ve previously had (had, being the operative word), they stay in the past. The reason why I don’t agree with being labelled, is because this reinforces a state of mind with an illness.
I use the phrase “I was alcohol dependent”. Using past tense, because that’s where it is staying. It doesn’t define me or who I am now. That was not me anyway, it was my illness. I AM NOT MY ILLNESS, neither are you.
It’s amazing the amount of people (family and friends) that already knew this and knew my negative thinking was irrational. They didn’t judge me; they knew it was the illness. Honestly, people understand more than you tell yourself. They didn’t judge me on my eating disorder so why did I think they would with my alcoholism? I just had a hard time accepting alcoholism was an illness too.
I am therefore encouraging anyone who is going through a similar situation to please, please, please believe me, this is an illness. It Is Not You. People want to help; they want to understand and they actually empathise with you and most don’t judge. There is obviously the odd few that are jerks but why would you want a narrow-minded person in your life anyway? Reach out, there is so much help out there, but you need to accept the situation.
Be honest… with yourself and others, it gets you the correct support. Support is vital, even if it’s not to talk about your problems. Reach out.
Thanks for reading. If you have any questions, I’m sure Walking With My Bear will have no problem with passing them on to me. I have more wisdom to pass on. You are not alone.
Warmest wishes
Jenny x
