The relevance behind this new title is because I am investigating the success behind my 7 out of 7 (being clear of a binge/purge episode for 7 days at a time) and also how I am managing to maintain this consistency over the last 3 weeks as of writing this article.
However, I did admit to Walking With My Bear during one of my sessions that there are still strong urges, and to avoid an episode I was distracting myself.
So, I am therefore investigating/identifying the distraction techniques, which will enable me to move away from said distraction techniques; giving me the power to control my Bear.
I may have mentioned in a previous blog that distraction techniques can be useful at the start but are definitely not long-term solutions. I have found that by distracting myself, by keeping busy (getting out the house, running, shopping etc) helped me deflect my thoughts and urges from my previous unhelpful coping behaviour.
However, long term it is avoiding dealing with the underlying issue. I had to ask myself what was I distracting myself from? On the plus side, distracting and deflecting my attention from unhelpful habits, gave me a break from using these unhealthy habits and I therefore had a platform to address the underlying issues I was avoiding. If I didn’t, I would be spending the rest of my life using distraction techniques as a coping strategy and my Bear would be in control of me. It’s a bit like someone being reliant on Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) each time they feel urges/anxiety etc, they have to quickly start tapping their meridian points and begin incantations, just to get through the moment. The technique is great but shouldn’t be a dependency tool.
So here I was ready to face the next stage which was to identify the doors that were still open to my past, in any way encouraging or supporting the unhelpful behaviour. However, it is not as simple as one open door, we have to recognise there are potentially a series of doors leading up to the final "trapdoor".
But which doors have I gone through to get to the trapdoor? The main objective behind identifying which doors are open is to then understand (can we just have a moment please - I have just worked out how to underline a word on the computer!!!) why they are opening and understand my thoughts, actions and feelings connected to them. Realising which doors are open would help me gain an understanding that I was using binge/purge as a "reward" for my good behaviour (abstinence from alcohol, binge/purging or any challenges that I had conquered really).
Realising which doors were opening me to the temptation of reverting back to old ways (old ways of coping that don't serve me now). However, I also needed to work out if I was to "just" (I highlighted the word just, as it's technically not as easy as "just", it takes time and work) close the door and keep it shut, or do I open new ones to simply add a new way of being, whilst being aware of these new doors potentially being another distraction technique. So much to think about. I needed to train my Bear to not see binge/purge as a "reward", Pedro (that's my Bear) was misbehaving.
After reflecting on the corridor of different open doors which link from one to another, not only was I using binge/purge as a way to cope when I was sad or life wasn't going my way (when life felt out of control), I was also using it as a reward and finding any excuse to justify doing it in order to reward myself.
I realised the excuses were in order to feed my habit (excuse the phrase), my habit of needing instant gratification for success or for when something was going wrong. It also made me realise that as I am still restricting my diet (work in progress) and denying myself of not only tasty foods but food groups my body needs, resulting in cravings, something of which is alien to me. I am still unable to allow myself different foods. What am I actually scared of happening when I eat beige foods? To be honest though, I’m excited to be at this stage and embracing the journey to new experiences.
On the plus side I have since noticed I have been more adventurous with my food intake during the day, as I know I am not going to have a binge/purge episode (I always did this last thing at night) that evening.
I found it very useful to write down the different doors and thoughts that were open during my investigation. It helped me to take a step back to notice the doors that had opened leading up to the door for the desire to binge and purge. It was also significant in my realisation of how my thoughts and feelings were intertwined at a subconscious level and also triggered further questions to myself around my behaviour.
Let us end on a more positive note. If you have read my previous blogs, you will be aware I get a lot of good thoughts on my smoking step. Here's the latest...
When you've fallen and survived it really shows you that you can cope. You'll be able to face more challenges than before because you have survived things you never thought you could. I find this realisation powerful, handy to remember and not as cliché as "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".
Sharing this article, I hope, will provide insight on how the doors to the various elements of the programming of your mind are connected. In ways, that if you don’t spend time to understand how your thoughts actions and feelings are intertwined, at some point in the future, a door to a way of being may open unknowingly, and catch your bear by surprise.
Jen.
Can we really control the controllables without first exploring the programming of our mind?
A question we ask people before exploring the things an individual can control and then influence.
Some say focus on the things you can influence, and the things you can’t influence, well, let them take effect your told whilst you focus on the things you can influence! But is there something missing in this process?
Please allow us to explain some key points of consideration.
In many aspects of the personal development and coaching world, people/clients are encouraged to focus on the things they can control. Which to an extent is correct.
However, we raise a simple question. What if your programming of your mind, including your “Bear” has a different idea of what you can control and what you can’t influence?
It’s a common essential key factor that is often missed.
We explored in a previous article/blog about how your “Bear” has a “Locus of Control” which I’ll come onto shortly. But first, we need to understand your perception of what you can and can’t control or influence
Get a A4 piece of paper
1/ Get a A4 piece of paper and draw a circle. Inside write “Things I can absolutely control”. Ensure the circle is large enough so you can write stuff in.
Now write inside the circle, key things you feel you can influence.
Example: – I can set my alarm to notify me at a specific time. I can drink water by filling my glass from the tap. I can ask for help. I can breath, etc etc. Naturally make it specific to the key areas you want to address. It’s good to put some easy things in that you can influence to help you along with the exercise at the beginning.
2/ Draw another circle around the first circle which allows you to write “What I can Influence”. Allow a large enough gap so that you can write the things you can influence.
Now write in the area between the two circles, things you feel you can influence, yet don’t feel you have full control of the outcome.
Example: – I can try my best at work but my performance may not be up to my manager’s expectation.
I can be polite to someone, but they may not be as polite back to me.
I can smile at someone passing but they may not smile back.
I can try to be positive by focusing on happy outcomes.
I don’t have anyone to speak about my thoughts actions and feelings, but I can if I wish, reach out for help.
I hope you get the principle of what I am showing as an example.
3/ Write on the outside of the large circle “Things I feel I cannot influence” This is the area that allows you to write down all the things you feel you cannot influence.
Write all the things you feel you cannot influence.
Example: – I cannot influence the weather, therefore I can take a coat if it’s raining to best deal with the situation.
I feel anxious and can’t stop how I feel.
I feel stressed and don’t know how to stop feeling stressed.
I don’t know how to ask for help.
Naturally make it specific to the key areas you want to address, but it’s good to put some easy things in that you can influence to help you along with the exercise.
Look at the exercise in the article “Is Your Bear Controlling Your Ability to Take Ownership”. Have a look at your locus of control. The scale is on a 1-10 basis.
If you have an internal locus of control you will be on the lower number (1-3). If you are on the higher number of the scale (7-10), you may find your “Bear” is guiding you to believe there are lots of things you cannot control or influence. If you’re somewhere in the middle (4-6) you’re pretty balanced on taking ownership of outcomes in your life and business.
It’s important to understand, there is no right or wrong with where you are on the scale, but to understand where you are on the scale allows you to work with the programming of your mind more effectively.
Without understanding the above, you may just be applying a sticky plaster approach to your thoughts actions and feelings towards what you can and can’t control/influence.
Once you understand the above, then examine your original points written down, and then consider reaching out if you need support.
Warmest wishes
Walking With My Bear
“The art of understanding how you can control the controllables, is first understand your minds’ perception of what you can and can’t control or influence. Without this first step, you’ll simply run the risk of misleading yourself!”
Walking With My Bear
