Following my success of working with clients amongst the outdoors, during this podcast with Peter Mabbutt - Head of Academics at LSCCH, we explore the benefits to not only the therapist but equally clients when working amongst the outdoors.
Throughout this podcast, we discuss the amazing journey of Jenny. How the therapeutic process has helped transform her life.
To listen to the podcast, just click on the link below.
If you would like to know more details, whether it be how to become an outdoor therapist, or to book a discovery call to explore options on how we can help you, just get in touch and we'll arrange a mutually convenient time to have a chat to see how we may be able to help you on the next stage of your journey.
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-therapycast-vol-3-no-21/id839453129?i=1000551737468
GET IN TOUCHMy background
I have been working with Jonathan with very intense therapy for a while now. If you haven’t read my previous blogs I will briefly outline my previous struggles.
Alcohol dependency and eating disorders. I had an eating disorder for over 2 decades and became alcohol dependent for about 3 years up until 2 years ago.
Both of these addictions almost took my life. Sadly I had got to the point where I wasn’t bothered if it did.
At the time, my addiction chose alcohol and lack of eating over my own son, family and friends.
That’s addiction, it doesn’t discriminate. Situations in the past get interpreted by each individual differently and people react differently. By this, I mean that while one person wouldn’t be bothered about an event in the past, another could be quite affected by it or affected by words.
So there has been a lot of therapy around my past to overcome this. Other services had briefly brushed over and not challenged my mindset which is why it has been going on so long until Jonathan stepped in.
I’ll be honest, with all the intensive treatment I was receiving there were moments where I thought, “is this working? What’s the point? Am I ever going to be ‘fixed’? How long does this take”?
The challenge with instant gratification and being in the height of addiction is what I feel is craved as an instant fix. That “fix” is only short term and I had to accept recovering would take time.
I had “practiced” my heavy drinking for long enough, it was time to accept what’s happened, take ownership and practice the tools I had learnt to get better. I didn’t get it right straight away, I messed up but I learnt from it and sometimes had to try a different approach.
There’s a good old cliché “practice makes perfect”, I even say it to my 7 year old son, and getting your life under your control and actually having a life is totally worth it. Life can be scary, unpredictable, chaotic, highs and lows but with the right mindset and use of effective mindset tools YOU CAN get through anything.
I have, and since being sober/eating well, recently had the most challenging experience to date. In fact, it’s still not over and for the first time in my life I'm using effective skills instead of turning to drink or restricted eating.
Why it’s so important to Secure Your Tectonic Plates of Your Mind (as Jonathan would put it!)
Saturday 16th October. Wedding dress shopping with my bridesmaids and my mum. Had a great day out, meal etc, oh…found the dress. However in the back of my mind I couldn’t help worrying about my son, Bob (still not actually called Bob), he’d been off school for 2 days being sick and laid up on the sofa.
Normally this kid never stops, we do loads of active things together. On my return from the exciting day out, a rash had appeared on Bob. Without giving it 2 thoughts (of my past reservations about going to hospital and being stuck there) I rang an ambulance and packed a bag at the same time. I knew something wasn’t right.
Let’s just say in the height of my addiction and eating disorder, my own hospital experience was not a very good one and I probably wasn’t the ideal patient, which led me to getting sectioned.
Bearing in mind 2 years ago, my addiction would have chosen alcohol over my son!
On this occasion my whole world stopped, nothing mattered other than getting Bob sorted. My usual routine of exercise and set meal times which helps me stay sober and eating well, went out the window but I knew I would be OK.
I fought to get him sorted. I experienced feelings (which I would have previously tried to numb in very unhelpful ways), emotions, anxiety, sadness, guilt, hopelessness, nervous energy and very lonely and there was nowhere to go to “switch off”.
We were in and out of hospital for over a month then we contracted Covid, which was a kick in the teeth. I can honestly now tell you what got me through this.
Jonathan and myself have done so much work together. One aspect was to strengthen my mind using certain techniques attaching emotional drivers to what I wanted to achieve. My emotional drivers were trained to kick the ass out of alcohol and food issues, and all of a sudden I was now in hospital with a rare auto-immune disease impacting on my son. My emotional driver used was Bob.
Another technique used was to train my mind to take the batton as if I was in a relay race against my past self.
Jonathan would get me to imagine I was on an athletic race track. I would imagine Jonathan racing against my old dark self to start with. Jonathan would do a lap and I would take the Baton and begin racing. At first my old self would catch me up.
Over time after practice and attachment of emotional drivers, I became so mentally strong, I did not need Jonathan on the race track with me. I would just look at the old self on the other race track lane and make it clear it no longer threatened my life, nor could it beat me. I would and still smash it into the ground if my metaphorical old self even thought it could take me on!
The anger and emotions I felt towards my issues getting between me and Bob became so strong (after practice) I am now over 2 years sober. This vision and attached feelings empowered my mind and enabled me to stay strong, focused be there for Bob, and get through it with whatever cards are dealt!
I realise the situation with Bob could have gone one of two ways, but I have practiced to achieve a strong mindset and I got through it. There would have been a time previously when that situation would have brought back a lots of feelings around being in hospital but I took control of the situation, didn’t panic. Even when the word “meningitis” got thrown around. I stayed strong for him.
I’ve found it’s the build up to something that creates the anxiety, the not knowing, the things I tell myself in my head, it’s all made up nonsense.
Even though it is still ongoing it is rewarding to be writing this, and I can look back at my previous unhelpful behavior and know, that’s not me anymore. Writing this has also reminded me how useful the tools are, not only to get you through addiction (for example) but to have the ability to be strong for unexpected life situations.
Looking back, I would have found the above information quite vital the people helping you don’t have grey hairs for nothing. If I could sum up this article in one word it would be- Believe.
If you want to learn more about overcoming Anxiety, Alcoholism and eating disorders, please get in touch.
GET IN TOUCHI can remember the exact moment when I thought “wow, my body is actually quite amazing”.
I was on a 6-mile run in the hills, and it was the longest one I’d managed to that date. I had, for the first time in my life, respect for my body and what it was capable of doing.
Writing this now is actually reminding me again of my “wow moment”. I’m not sure if it’s because I really did hit rock bottom last year. I was unable to do anything for myself, I was so physically weak, my body was really on its way out, and now I was running!! I’m not going to say I “bounced back”, far from it.
In the early stages, I had to have a rest from sitting up watching TV. It was a slow process, and I never thought I’d walk again, let alone run.
I remember celebrating with the nurses when I was able to walk to the toilet unaided. Thinking back, this actually scares me, how little I could do.
Had I been given another chance?
I used to exercise because I had to, it was an addiction, but now I was enjoying it. Now I had this newfound respect for myself, I began listening to what my body needed (i.e. rest, more food), as I’d ignored that for decades.
These thoughts influenced me to fuel my body, which is a completely opposite mindset to when you’re in the grips of anorexia. I’ve just realised now that I abused my body, took it for granted.
We only get one, if you look after it, it will look after you. Sorry body. Sadly it is a vicious cycle;
Which creates low self-worth, low self-esteem, low confidence and you wake up and do it all over again.
I paid too much attention to my negative thoughts. The more I “fed them”, the more it became like a snowball effect, and a small thought turned into a massive issue.
I did a lot of work with Walking With My Bear around my confidence and self-esteem (as I’ve mentioned before) as it’s never really been there, I suppose. What confidence I had was quite literally knocked out of me in past relationships.
I came across as confident, but that was the drink. Sober, I was a train wreck, so drinking was my go-to coping method.
When you are that low, you don’t care, and my body seemed to be the last thing I was bothered about. You cannot start respecting your body until you start looking after it.
I find having a “tool” at hand helps me to deal with potential situations that may trigger your old, unhelpful ways of coping.
It’s a slow process as is everything in recovery, sadly. But I promise you it’s worth it. Start small and think of it as an investment in yourself.
Do little, nice things for yourself (even if it’s brushing your teeth better or moisturising – I even found this hard at first) you won’t feel the benefit straight away. Still, the more you do, the better you feel.
Go for a short walk or sit outside, slowly build yourself up. Don’t run before you can walk, I wanted to be able to do things yesterday, but it doesn’t happen like that, accept that, or else it sets you up to fail. Then you end up beating yourself up because you’ve not achieved what you expected.
If you are unfortunately at rock bottom, it took you a long time to get there and a lot of practice. It makes sense then that this process will take time, too, both mentally and physically.
But when you start getting there, you achieve peace with yourself.
Once I started eating better and listening to hunger cues, I had more energy. I was getting stronger, getting mentally happier and therefore had more interest in everyday life.
Your food intake is massively important for physical and mental reasons.
Slowly I started enjoying things and slowly pushed myself to do more. It felt good to be living. Fueling your body with healthy food is so important for physical recovery and fueling for your brain and mood recovery.
80% of your serotonin levels (the happy hormone) comes from your stomach. Nutrition for your mental health is very underrated.
Your body’s been through hell and then some, that’s why it takes time. “Working” on yourself and self-care is not selfish, you are investing time into living a happy and fulfilling life.
I was reading over the notes I took during some of my sessions, and the following may be of some use.
I once sat for 60 seconds and wrote down any thoughts that popped into my head. They were all negative and critical about me.
How much time did I waste being critical of me?
I must continuously be beating myself up. Next to each thought, I had written down, I applied the method of asking if the thought was true and was it appropriate?
You invest so much time into saying these things to yourself, that you genuinely believe them. However, when it’s written down, you can see them for what they really are – false, inappropriate statements with no evidence to back them up.
These negative thoughts do us so much harm when they are irrelevant and not worthy of rising to or acting on.
Focus on what you value, the important things in your life.
Focus your energy on positive things in your life and appreciate what you have, not what you haven’t.
It’s all about the here and now not what’s happened (because you cannot change the past) and you can’t predict the future, but you can influence it, so take action.
Focus on the day and don’t compare yourself to what you used to be able to do.
I did this a lot, and once I accepted that the progress was going to be slow, I became happy and content with the small steps I was achieving.
Something is better than nothing.
Thanks for reading. I’ll be back soon.
Jenny x
This part of my story is going to be the hardest for me to write as it is still so recent for me. The feelings and emotions are raw.
In fact, I actually don't want to do it if I'm honest. I'm still a bit ashamed, embarrassed and worried about what people will think.
I'm still unsure as to why I find it so hard to talk about, maybe I'm struggling to accept it as an illness? Perhaps I feel hypocritical dishing out helpful techniques when I'm still actively battling the condition?
Saying that, with the help from Walking With My Bear so far, I've reduced my binging and purging from daily to just an average of twice a week, and I'm getting stronger each week.
I'm writing this to hopefully help someone in a similar situation.
Someone on a similar journey, because that's what it is. It's not straight forward, and you mustn't expect permanent changes overnight – expect ups and downs.
Even when you make the smallest of changes, just remind yourself of what you've accomplished by making that change. It might be you have a tiny bit more confidence, a better understanding or another ounce of self-worth. Every bit of strength allows you to continue on your journey.
I'm sharing my story, however difficult, so I too can celebrate my victories, and keep on this path getting healthier and braver.
Another way for me to numb those pesky feelings and emotions. A release and a way of controlling something in your life.
When you're binging, you can't cry. So why did I want to cry?
Working with Walking With My Bear, I've since unearthed various parts of my life that could have contributed to my eating disorder. My attitude towards food turned into habitual behaviour that I have practised on and off for over 20 years. I suppose binging and purging was my 'safety habit' in the beginning, a way of controlling something when life threw those lovely curveballs.
Going back a few years when my eating issues were getting better, my drinking then got worse, and vice versa. I swapped one unhelpful way of numbing my mind to another.
The NHS eating disorder service is reluctant to treat eating and drinking issues together. Even though it is so common for them to come hand in hand (as I've mentioned in Part 3 of my journey).
I got into a very vicious cycle, and the eating disorder team thought I was doing ok with my eating. Still, in reality, I was becoming alcohol dependant, to cope with my mind. I even drank on the ward when I was incarcerated to "cope".
I was playing my part and eating to get out of the place. That was my mindset, and there wasn't a lot of mental health support; considering I was sectioned in an eating disorder hospital. The staff on the ward were more supportive than the qualified specialists with whom I would see just once a week if I was lucky.
I went from eating practically nothing to 3 meals a day, 2 snacks and supper. Drinking was how I now coped because I was no longer in control of my food, and the reason I was doing this to myself in the first place wasn't being addressed.
Fast forward a year or so, defying death, making it through detox for alcoholism, finally sober I have another challenge to face.
Picture me on my discharge date from detox:
I walk out of there riddled with anxiety, guilt, low self-confidence and no self-worth. I'm inundated with thoughts and feelings that were previously numbed by alcohol, also feeling like I've physically been hit by a bus. Most of these feelings stemmed from knowing my bulimia would creep back in. I knew this because it had already started whilst in detox.
There was a lot of support and group work in detox regarding addiction, but nothing aimed at my eating issues, at the time.
Inevitably (for me) the drinking stopped, and binge/purge turned into a daily occurrence. Releasing me from my emotions and a different way of numbing and controlling something, along with diet restrictions. I felt major guilt that I was still too physically unwell to exercise or even move much. I believed at the time as I wasn't very mobile, I didn't deserve to eat.
I now find it useful to see my eating issues as a type of addiction. So, I apply and adapt specific knowledge from my addiction therapy to the eating side of things (this is only a recent breakthrough).
I spent many months working on, and still am, my binge and purge behaviour. It took a while for me to be entirely honest with Jonathan, even though he was always professional, non-judgemental and for me, the guru of mental health issues.
I was scared and embarrassed. It felt like my safety net was being taken away from me, remember I was also battling alcohol addiction at the same time.
Jonathan and I worked on learning to live with the past. Identifying my addiction as an illness and acknowledging that my "Bear" was misbehaving.
But why? And how do I get my "Bear" to work with me, to be my friend.
I had brain frazzle (feel free to use my new phrase), a mist surrounding my mind.
Making my "Bear" behave was about gaining the confidence to push past boundaries and make achieving more desirable than the urge to purge. I slowly started to gain the confidence and ability to believe the reality of it all and what I would gain from not doing it, what was right, wrong and why.
We pin-pointed that the internal and external influences fed (no pun intended) my urges.
There are two helpful strategies that we still work with now:
The Spiders Web is a strategy Walking With My Bear created to identify key elements of an event in a person's life. These individual aspects from your past can influence thoughts, feelings and actions when applied to any other situation in life.
This theory helps to break down the situation and determine what previous events are influencing your current behaviour and choices.
Where have you used this unhelpful behaviour before to cope?
Every time you come to a decision; you have a choice. Take time to weigh up your options and "play the full tape" (meaning, if you chose a certain option, what would happen later down the line?).
There is also The Circle theory, which I tend to use more when faced with challenging thoughts or decisions.
In a circle, write down everything you can control.
In a bigger circle around the first one, write in it the things you can influence or think you may be able to change.
On the outside of the circle, write the things you feel you cannot control. Now bring your focus to all 3 sections.
This helps you identify and realise the 3 versions of an outcome or situation. With each point bring The Spiders Web technique into the analysing process (reminder; identify key elements of your past that influence your thoughts, feelings and action).
By using The Circle theory and The Spiders Web technique, you'll soon discover whether you can control or influence the challenge you are facing. Or that in fact, there's no point sweating over the things you have no control over.
Applying both techniques in this order provides you with an effective method that breaks down your thought process to:
Something else which I find helpful to resist urges to binge is that for me, cravings only last 40 minutes. It's fairly easy to distract yourself for 40 minutes. Get out of the house, have a shower or go for a drive.
You're not avoiding dealing with it. Once the urge has subsided, even a bit, you can use the Spider Web, Circle Theory or even both to find the reason behind the urge to binge once your mind has calmed down.
When I use these techniques, it empowers me to push my boundaries to the next level, i.e. towards altogether stopping or doing a day less.
Just over 2 months ago I was binging and purging every day. 2 months later and I am averaging 5 out of 7 days a week free from binging and purging. I even went 14 days at one point without any binging or purging.
It's like going up the ladder of success. You take 2 steps up and sometimes you have to go down a step just to catch your breath. Each time I progress, my Bear tries to re-adjust me back to my old ways.
I keep progressing up that ladder due to the process of mindset techniques taught to me by Walking With My Bear.
These allow and empower me to identify key triggers, thoughts and behavioural patterns.
Giving me a newfound confidence that I will be free of my addictions, eating disorder and previously used coping strategies.
Please feel free to get in touch with Walking With My Bear if you would like some support from me. I would be more than happy to open "Jen's book of wisdom" for you.
Warmest Wishes, until next time.
Jenny x
